A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said If you get in, Ill give you a lollypop. The girl kept walking.
Following along slowly, the man said Come on and get in the car with me and Ill give you two lolly pops. She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.
The man said Get in with me and Ill give you this whole bag of lollypops!
Finally, the girl turned and said Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!
Q: What will you get if Clintons health bill passes?
A: No Job.
A fool and his money stabilize the economy.
A city man decides that he has had enough of urban life and wants to start a farm. He doesnt have much money, though, so he goes to see an old farmer to get his start.
Id like to buy a chicken and a rooster, he says.
Well, young feller, says the farmer, I reckon thatd be okay. But out here in the country we call em a pullet and a cock.
Okay then, says the guy, Ill take a pullet and a cock.
Hey, what about a donkey? says the city guy.
Well sure, says the farmer,but out here in the country we call them asses. All I got is an stubborn old mule out back. He stops alot and hell only go again if you scratch im.
Thats fine, says the guy. He pays the farmer and heads off down the road. A little while later, the mule stops in the middle of the road. No matter what the guy does, he wont go. Then he remembers to scratch it, but he cant put his chickens down, or theyll run off.
Shortly, a woman comes down the road. She sees him and stops.
Can I help you? she says.
Oh yes, said the guy, could you hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?
She slapped him and took off.
Daffynition: Hummingbird- A bird who forgot the lines to a song!
It is entirely wrong to say that Mr. Khushwant Singh is a habitual drinker. He drinks only on two days – one when it rains and other when it does not rain.
Did you hear that El Al and Al Italia are merging?
Oh yeh. Theyre going to call it Vel I Tell Ya
Aquarius (Jan 23 – Feb 22) – You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (Feb 23 – Mar 22) – You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.
Aries (Mar 23 – April 22) – You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.
Taurus (April 23 – May 22) – You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.
Gemini (May 23 – June 22) – You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 23 – July 22) – You are sympathetic and understanding of other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) – You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) – You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22) – You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22) – You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.
Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 22) – You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
One day, Jesus and Satan decided to settle which one of them was the best programmer. God was chosen to be the judge.
Jesus and Satan got 10 hours to create the best program they could for the PC.
When 10 hours had past, the power suddenly went out, and all the data disappeared from both monitors. Moments later, the power came back on.
On Jesuss monitor, all the data had returned to its previous state, whereas Satans monitor remained blank.
Satan got really angry and complained to God.
God was quiet for a moment, then he laughed and said, Jesus saves!
En la Habana, en una parada de autobús todos estaban desesperados porque no habÃa llegado el autobús. Cuando por fin llegó, todos desesperados se aventaron por querer subirse. Un negrito chaparro quedo atrás de una señora gordotota que llevaba una bolsa llena de cachivaches; cuando ésta se atora, el moreno, desesperado, la agarra del trasero y la empuja. La mujer se encabrona y empieza a golpear al pobre negro hasta que llegó la policÃa y, como la dama no se querÃa calmar, los llevaron con un juez:
A ve, mi negro, ¿qué fue lo que pasó?
Pue mire, etaba yo eperando la guagua y eta vieja que se sube y que no se sube y entonce que la agarro de las nachas…
El magistrado interrumpe molesto:
Oiga, mi negro, no se dice nachas se dice glúteos.
Ah, bueno, e que yo etaba eperando la guagua y eta vieja que se sube y que no se sube. Entonce yo que la agarro de las pompas…
El juez vuelve a interrumpir:
Oiga, mi negro, que no se dice pompas se dice glúteos…
Eta bien, eta bien. Yo etaba eperando la guagua y eta vieja que se sube y que no se sube. Entonce…
El tipo se queda pensando y le pregunta al juez:
Oiga, señor juez, ¿cómo me dijo que se llamaba el culo de eta vieja?