.. 1. You are not superman.
2. Recoilless rifles arent.
3. Dont look conspicuous. It draws fire.
4. Never draw fire. It irritates everyone around you.
5. When in doubt, empty the magazine.
6. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
7. Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
8. If you cant remember, the Claymore is pointed towards you.
9. All five second grenade fuses are three seconds.
10. Try to look unimportant. They may be low on ammo.
11. The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
12. The easy way is always mined.
13. The important things are very simple.
14. The simple things are very hard.
15. When you have secured an area, dont forget to tell the enemy, and CNN
16. Incoming fire has right-of-way.
17. Teamwork is essential. It gives the enemy more people to shoot at.
18. Friendly fire isnt.
19. Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.
20. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Show me a man who always has two feet on the ground,
and Ill show you a man who cant take his pants off.
Q: How do you crash a houseboat party?
A: You just barge in!
Q: What happened to the water polo team?
A: The horses drowned.
First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, its uphill and against the wind.
Anyone can win – unless there happens to be a second entry.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
One should be careful to keep his mouth shut – when swimming and when angry.
A swimming pool is a crowd of people with water in it.
Fishing: Just a jerk at one end of the line waiting for a jerk at the other end.
Creative golf: Stuffing your shots with such precision theat your boss actually believes he beat you fair and square.
Good friend: Anyone who doesnt play as well as you do – and does it consistently.
Class: Demonstrated not by whether you win or lose, but how you tear up your scorecard.
If you have to ask, youre not entitled to know.
If you dont like the answer, you shouldnt have asked in the first place.
A man whos wrapped up in himself makes a mighty small parcel.
A career military man, who had retired as a corporal,
was telling the younger men how he handled officers
during his years of service.
It didnt matter a hoot if he was a Major General,
an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief. I always told
those guys exactly where to get off.
Wow, you musta been something, the admiring young
soldiers remarked. What was your job in the service?
Elevator operator in the Pentagon.
*** Real courtroom transcipts…courtesy of real idiots. ***
( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, Im divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didnt know about.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dogs ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q: Do you drink when youre on duty?
A: I dont drink when Im on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said shed kill that sonofabitch- and she did!
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
We were so poor that even Bill Clintons tax plan wouldt call us rich.
Due to increasing product liability litigation, wine manufacturers have accepted the Medical Associations suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all wine bottles:
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a moron.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 am in the morning!
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you cant remember).
10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Frank.
12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
Una noche la mujer de la pareja de recién casados escucha ruidos afuera de la casa, y le dice a su marido:
Mi amor, mi amor creo que hay algiuen afuera.
Afuera no hay nadie, duérmete.
Pero mi amor, hay alguien.
Duérmete, ya me tienes harto.
Por lo menos asómate a la ventana para que parezca que tenemos perro…
This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing.
Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her a while then says, You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?
She says, I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old. She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?
She says, Well, your name never came up.
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word? Little Johnny waves his hand, Me, miss, me, me!
Teacher says All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word? Little Johnny says Mas-tur-bate. Teacher smiles and says Wow, little Johnny, thats a mouthful. Little Johnny says No, miss, youre thinking of a blow job. Im talking about a wank.