Old and New Jokes

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court.I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors; green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, Whats the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?The old man did not bat an eye in his response.He replied, Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.

This true story has done the rounds so many times it is now almost urban legend. Here in South Africa some of our townships have, on occasion, been reduced to a war-zone by orgies of violence by opposing tribal factions. One of the preferred tools for human mutilation is the panga, a long broad flat knife not unlike a machete.

The story goes that one night, this man walks into the local clinic with a panga embedded square in the middle of his skull. As the hospital was understaffed and overbusy the poor guy was left to sit, leaning over a bucket slowly filling with blood, in line in the waiting room waiting to be attended to.

A few minutes later the nurse notices the man with the panga chatting to another man. As the man with the panga had not been accompanied by anyone when he came in she was curios to know who he was. She walked up to the visitor and asked, Are you a relative?

The reply; No, Ive come to get my panga

Q: What goes Peck, Peck, Peck, Boom?

A: Chicken in a mine field

Redneck Drivers License Application…

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician

Spouses Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouses Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouses Name: __________________________ Lovers Name: __________________________ 2nd Lovers Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___

Mothers Name: _______________________ Fathers Name: _______________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) If you obtained a higher education what was your major? [_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them: ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you are still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ kitchen ____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse ____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: [_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe [_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest [_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times youve seen a UFO ___ Number of times youve seen Elvis ___ Number of times youve seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: [_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___ Color of teeth: [_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow [_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man [_] Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road? [_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles [_] dont know

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldnt quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastors study and asked for help.

The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he look serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.

The teacher was amazed. Im in awe at your faith, pastor, she said.

Its really nothing, he answered.

The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling.

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,331

to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed
to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
to flame the spell checkers
to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add Me Too.
to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
to quote the Me Toos to say, Me Three.
to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
votes for alt.lite.bulb.

This one day a blonde walk in to the bathroom. When she came out she had a tampon behind her ear but was still wondering were she put her pencil.

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned
was destroyed by the fire. But my insurance company paid for everything.

That is quite a coincidence, said the engineer, I am here because my house
and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also
paid for everything.

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. How did you start the flood?, he asked.

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

5. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

6. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

7. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

8. Two hands and just one mouth now THATS a drinking problem.

9. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

10. You fall off the floor

11. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

12. Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

13. Every night youre beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive

14. Im not drunk youre just sober!!

15. Roseanne looks good

16. You dont recognise your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

17. That dammned pink elephant followed me home again.

18. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

19. Youve fallen and cant get up.

20. The shrubberys drunk too, from frequent watering.

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, Hey, Dave, how ya doin?

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

Oh no, says Dave. Hes on my bowling team.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser.

No, honey, shes in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them.

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. Hi Davey, she says, Want your usual table dance?

Daves wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.