Old and New Jokes

In the beginning,
God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green
and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and
healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the double-cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure
that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive
oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter. And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the
roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra
pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not
have to toil to change channels.

And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "Youre running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and
brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy centre
into crisps and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.And
Man clutched his remote control and ate the crisps swaddled in cholesterol.

And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

What REALLY happened as the Torch made its way through our our
nations capital:

3:15 Torch arrives at U.S. Capitol
3:30 Torch leaves U.S. Capitol, carried by Bob Dole.
5:00 One block later, Bob Dole hands off torch.
5:15 Torch enters Northeast Washington
5:16 First recorded case of Torch-jacking occurs.
6:00 After massive search, Torch is found in a local pawn shop and
repurchased for $25
6:15 Torch arrives at city hall. Crowd is dismayed when Marion
Barry uses it to light his crack pipe.
6:20 Barry is further embarrassed when he is stopped trying to take
the torch to the country for spiritual renewal.
6:30 Torch heads into Northwest Washington
6:35 Torch runner falls into D.C. pothole.
6:45 Torch is recovered (runner is never found).
6:55 Torch arrives at Dupont Circle. Residents are proud to have
such a high profile flame in their area.
7:00 Torch runner attempts to hand off flame to NBA star Juwan
Howard.
7:01 David Falk stops the transaction, demanding $90 million over
two years for Howards effort.
7:21 Torch arrives at White House.
7:22 FBI files on Torch arrive at White House.
7:23 Hillary fires Torch, citing gross mismanagement and bad
record keeping.
7:24 Torchgate hearings begin on Capitol Hill.
7:30 Torch leaves White House, heads across the Mall.
7:32 Torch runner is knocked unconscious by long pop-fly hit by
With Ourselves star, John Mechem
7:35 Torch is handed to Republican Presidential candidate, Pat
Buchanan.
7:36 Series of mysterious fires at black churches begins along
Torch route.
8:00 Torch heads for Virginia.
8:15 Crossing the 14th Street Bridge, Torch is accidentally
dropped into Potomac — entire surface of river immediately
ignites.
8:45 After being recovered by ValuJet divers, Torch enters
Virginia. Upon crossing state line, runner is immediately
assessed personal property tax on torch.
8:47 Runner attempts to hand torch to Virginia Senator John
Warner. Warner refuses, saying he cannot, in good conscience,
support this torch.
9:00 Torch is retired for the evening. USOC vows never to set foot
in the D.C. area again.

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing. God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.

God smiled. Think about it — who can he tell?

Youre so poor that you put a Happy Meal from McDonalds on Lay-A-way.

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time. As he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke. One day as the young man passed the old ladies pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him: Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to let you know that the price of pretzels has increased to 35 cents.

Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else.



When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, I dont know. I never had one.



Clintons mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.



The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as Walking Eagle because he is so full of shit that he cant fly.



Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe!



President Clinton confounded critics when his job approval rating went up to 69%. Its no secret why most Americans love him. Hes the only person on TV whos not talking about Monica Lewinsky.

Why did Mrs.Tomatoe turn red ? She saw Mr.Green Pea !

Q. If youre American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?

A. European.

I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money.

The other day, I got one from an Alzheimers group. Funny though, they forgot to put my street name on them!

Once there were 3 Chinese mothers in a church.

They always liked to compete with their sons.

First mother: My son is a priest. Whenever people see him they say, Oh

my priest!

Second mother: Oh yeah, my son is a bishop. Whenever they see him they

say, Oh my bishop!

Third mother: (after thinking a bit) Well my son is a fat, lazy pig and

whenever people see my son they say, Oh my God!