Old and New Jokes

Everyone who ticks him off gets a $26,000 phone bill.
Hes won the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.
When asked for his phone number, he gives it in hex.
Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
Somehow gets HBO on his PC at work.
Mumbled, Oh, puh-leeeez! 295 times during the movie The Net.
Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.
His video dating profile lists public-key encryption among turn-ons.
Instead of the Welcome voice on AOL, you overhear, Good Morning, Mr. President.

And the Number One sign your co-worker is a computer hacker…

You hear her murmur, Lets see you use that VISA now, Professor I-Dont-Give-As-In-Computer-Science!

Cats do what they want, when they want.
They rarely listen to you.
Theyre totally unpredictable.
They whine when they are not happy.
When you want to play they want to be left alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
Theyre moody.
They leave their hair everywhere.
They drive you nuts.

Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats

Un día de esos, en que el mundo te aburre más de lo acostumbrado, dos borrachitos que andaban de bar en bar entraron por equivocación al Centro Nacional de Informática.

Ahí, claro está, habían cientos de personas escribiendo desde sus teclados.

El ruido del tac-tac-tac era contínuo, e instó a uno de los bebedores sociales a preguntarle al compañero de tragos:

Ve loco. Quién crees que sea la persona más rápida para escribir en esas computadoras de mierda?

Pues seguramente alguien veloz, como Flash, Superman, Speedy González o el Correcaminos.

Pues yo creo que a todos ellos se las gana la Mujer Maravilla.

Pero si esa no pasa de la invisibilidad.

Ah, pero es mujer, y a fin de cuentas todas ellas terminan de secretarias.

How do you start a Mosh Pit in Mexico?

Throw A Penny.

Whos the richest person in Mexico?

The person who gets the penny.

Why are sheep always in a field? Because they cant get out !

Who gives my cat his Christmas presents? Santa Paws!

Who gives my other cat his Christmas presents? Santa Claws!

What did the hat say to the scarf? You hang around while i go ahead!

Whats the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs!

What did mary say to santa during the storm? Look at that rain, dear!

Where do plumbers buy there presents? Bath!

Why is it best to park your car near the moon? Because there is a lot of space!

What is the use of reindeer? It makes the garden grow sweetie!

How many legs does rudolph have? Four? No, six. – hes got forelegs and two back legs!

What game do six reindeer play in the back of a mini? Squash!

Why did the reindeer take his nose apart? To see what made it run!

What do you call a reindeer that has a number on its tail? Reg!

Did you hear the story of the 3 reindeer? No. Oh deer, Oh deer, Oh deer

Why do reindeers have wrinkled ankles? Because they lace there boot too tight!

What did santa give the death fisherman for christmas? A herring aid!

Whats the worst thing to get for christmas? Measles!

Where is the best place to buy your dog a christmas present? Leeds!

Where does noddy do his christmas shopping? Redcar!

Where does the queen do her christmas shopping? Newcastle!

What happens if you get too hot at a football match? Sit a bit closer to one of the fans.

Visiting Puerto Rico on a student exchange, one of my friends with rather rusty french asked an embarrased woman if she was embarrasada, which is very different from the proper embarrasario.

She was not very pleased, since embarrasada means pregnant!

In Britain, we have a rather greasy food called donner kebabs, made from CRM (compressed reconstituted meat) most of the time.

Well a friend and myself went out on the piss (getting drunk), and ended up eating quit a few of these.

The following day over lunch I was narrating this to some friends one of whom was portuguese. He was horrified and thought I was really promiscous, since I said something like: … and I had three donners last night.., which of course sounded to him like: …and I had three donnas (women) last night..!

Apparently mist means dung in German, and Rolls Royce have a top of the range model called Silver mist.

They had to merket it under another name in Germany!

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. Shed seen many books on the subject,
and finally, after getting all the necessary tools together, she made
for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy footstool, she
started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a
voice boomed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens,
the voice bellowed, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the
ice,set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came
once more.THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!She stopped, looked skyward, and said, Is that you, Lord?
The voice replied, NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!

1. Reach in and grab the gibblets.

2. Whew…thats one terrific spread!

3. Im in the mood for a little dark meat!

4. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.

5. Talk about a HUGE breast!

6. And he forces his way into the end zone!

7. Shes 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to

hold her down.

8. Its cool whip time!

9. If I dont unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!

10. It must be broken cause when I push on the tip,

nothing squirts out.

RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

I would not allow this employee to breed.

This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely wont be.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This employee should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who dont know. Those who know are no problem.

Those who dont know are also in two groups.

One is those who dont know and know they dont know. Well, they can learn!

But then, there are those who dont know, and dont know they dont know. And they become unit managers!