A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket — If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc, but to no avail. The cabby said (adopt appropriate dialect), If you dont have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab! So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, How much for a ride to the airport, he asked? Fifteen bucks, came the reply. And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way? What?! Get the hell out of my cab. The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked How much for a ride to the airport? The cabby replied fifteen bucks. The businessman said ok and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
He went into his fathers business
He lived at home until he was 33
He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
He never got married
He was always telling stories
He loved green pastures THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
His first name was Jesus
He was bilingual
He was always being harassed by the authorities THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
He talked with his hands
He had wine with every meal
He worked in the building tradesTHREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
He called everybody brother
He liked Gospel
He couldnt get a fair trial THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN:
He never cut his hair
He walked around barefoot
He started a new religion THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN:
He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food.
He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just didnt get it.
Even dead, he had to get up because there was more work for him to do.
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "Thats the ugliest baby Ive ever seen!" Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, hes a public servant! He shouldnt say things to insult passengers." "Youre right," she said. "I think Ill go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!""Thats a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
A polynomial ring!
A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunks shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, Father, what causes arthritis? Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man, the priest replied. Imagine that, the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: Im sorry, I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis? I dont have arthritis, Father, the drunk said, but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.
Man walks into a bar.
Ouch!
One day there was a knock on the Popes office door.
When he answered it, the salesman said, Hello, my management team would like to discuss a proposal with you. After taking a seat in his office, the salesman said, I am with Kentucky Fried Chicken. We would like to offer you a contract to the church if you can change the Lords blessing from Give us this day our daily bread to daily chicken.
The Pope said, Im sorry we just cannot do that. The salesman went back to his office where he discussed the outcome of the meeting.
He returned to the Popes office a week later with the same proposal, only he had upped the bid to 4 million. The Pope gently declined, again.
The next week he came again and offered the Pope an offering of 10 million.
The Pope said, Let me think it over.
The Pope then called a meeting with the elders of the church and said, Well gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. Kentucky Fried Chicken has generously offered us 10 million dollars to change the Lords Prayer from daily bread to daily chicken. The bad new is that we will lose the Wonder Bread Contract.
Este era un chinito cocinero de un barco mercante y del cual todos los tripulantes se burlaban, le hacÃan majaderÃas y bromas pesadas que normalmente terminaban en gritos e insultos tanto de los tripulantes como del chinito.
Un buen dÃa, el capitán del barco viendo que las discusiones eran cada vez más frecuentes y disparejas, se propuso acabar con el desorden de una vez por todas, reunió a todos los tripulantes y mandó llamar al chino, dirigiéndose a los tripulantes les dijo que no querÃa seguir escuchando los pleitos y quien lo hiciera serÃa arrestado y permanecerÃa en prisión hasta llegar al puerto en donde serÃa despedido. Les pidió a todos que se disculparan ante el chino y que todos hicieran las paces para continuar la travesÃa sin problemas.
Convencidos por el capitán, los tripulantes se disculparon y le dijeron al chino que ya no se meterÃan con él en lo sucesivo.
El chinito dijo:
¿Develas tlipulantes dejal en paz a chinito?
Siii gritaron todos a la vez.
En ese caso chinito ya no olinal más en el café del desayuno.
A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.
At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man,and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever,twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered,
Cold day in hell, the Falcons must be in the SuperBowl!
Patient: I think Im a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!