Old and New Jokes

Why do women talk more than men, and why are men smarter than women?

Because women have four lips and men have two heads!

Iba un pequeño auto convertible a 180 km por hora por una calle muy transitada, cuando un policía lo ve, comienza a perseguirlo y le ordena que se detenga. El auto no se detiene y el policia sigue persiguiéndolo por un buen rato, exigiéndole que se detenga, hasta que por fin el carrito se detiene y el policia intrroga al conductor:

Su licencia.

No tengo.

Ah, no tiene licencia…

¿Y la matricula de este auto?

No no, no sé, no tiene…

Ah, no tiene matricula…

Y el policía seguia anotando.

¿Y por qué no frenó cuando se lo solicité?

Porque no tengo frenos.

Ah, no tiene frenos…

Y el policía seguía anotando.

¿Y por qué no se hizo a un lado?

Porque no tengo volante.

Ah, no tiene volante… Me puedes explicar como andas conduciendo a alta velocidad en una calle transitada, sin licencia, sin matrícula, sin frenos, sin volante. ¡Eres un irresponsable!

Pero oficial, le juro que yo no he hecho nada. Yo estaba en el parque de diversiones. Me subí a la montaña rusa, de pronto salí disparado y cuando me di cuenta estaba en esta calle.

En una clase la maestra le pregunta a sus alumnos:

A ver Juanita, dame un ejemplo de potencia

2 al cuadrado, señorita.

Muy bien Juanita. A ver vos Rafael.

3 al cubo, profesora.

Muy bien Rafael. A ver vos Jaimito.

Cuatro al hilo, señorita.

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.



The first cow said, I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.



The other cow replies, Hell, I aint worried, it dont affect us ducks!

Why did the woman cross the road?

Who cares? What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen?!!

The man came home to find evidence that his wife had been unfaithful. Was it my friend Steve? he yelled. No, she said. Was it my friend James? he then asked. What? she shouted. Dont you think I have any friends of my own?

There was a man that owned a giant gorilla and, all its life, hed never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine oclock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, “Why cant I touch its fur?” as their didnt seem to be anything wrong with it. Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldnt understand until, about a week later, hed worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla. He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur.
Suddenly the gorilla went ape shit and started to jump around, then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one elses sports car and drove off. In the rear-veiw mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behing him. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someones front garden and up the apple tree.He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.
The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought hed lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alleyway then, suddenly, he saw a giant shaddow coming down the street ahead. The gorilla! It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked striaght into the bloodshoot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly. This time there was no escape. As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, “Tag! Youre it!”

Q: How many U.S fighter pilots does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: No! You mean it was one of ours?!

Notes : Topical to the shooting down of two allied helicopters over Iraq.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one
American, were on their way to an international business conference when
they were kidnaped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.

You, your companies and your countries are enemies of the Revolution, screamed
the terrorist leader, and youre going to be executed! Do you have any last
requests?

The Englishman spoke first.

Before I die, I want to honor my contry and protest this barbaric act by
singing God Save The Queen to all your men.

That can be arranged, said the terrorist.

The Frenchman said, And I want to honor MY country before I die by singing
The Marseilles to your men.

The Japanese said, Before I die, I wish to honor MY country by giving the
lecture I was going to present on the Japanese style of industrial management.

The terrorist turned finally to the American.

What is YOUR last request?

The American replied, I want you to kill me right now so I dont have to
listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!