Old and New Jokes

A fellow was telling a couple his friends about the tragedy that befell him while scouting the woods that weekend prior to opening of deer season. I was goin through the woods, he said, when, turning behind a big tree, I came face to face with a huge grizzly……Wow!, said one of the friends, that mustve been really scarey. …Yeah, said the man telling the story, The grizzly reared up like this (man stands up, raises both hands in front…with hands clawed), and goes GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! Man, I just shit all over myself!!….Well, hell, says one of the buddies, Id shit all over myself, too, if a bear did that to me…….No, no, said the teller, I didnt mean, then…..I meant, just now…when I reared up and screamed GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Ten ways to know that youre addicted to your computer:-

10) When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL.

9) You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your spouse.

8) Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family.

7) Your computer is your ONLY friend.

6) You think cyber sex is better than real sex.

5) You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO ILL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL).

4) You type 40 words a minute with two fingers.

3) Your twins are named RAM & ROM.

2) After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 3.1 is outdated.

1) YOU READ STUFF LIKE THIS!

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:

THE TENT POLE IS UP,

THE CANVAS IS SPREAD.

THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,

COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.

It read:

TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN,

PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.

THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE,

NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:

THE TENT POLES STILL UP,

AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD.

SO DROP WHAT YOURE DOING,

ND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.

To which she replied:

IM SURE THAT YOUR POLES

THE BEST IN THE LAND.

BUT IM BUSY RIGHT NOW,

SO DO IT BY HAND!!

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.

Ill make you a deal. Ill open this alligators mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Hell then open his mouth and Ill remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligators open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.

The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. Ill pay anyone $100 whos willing to give it a try.

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A BLONDE woman timidly spoke up. Ill try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.

[Ed: A JEDR (pronounced Jedder) is a generic member of a lampooned
identifiable group. It stands for Joke Ethnic/Denomination/Race and
can refer to members of any such group, and others. This acronym does
not refer to any specific person or group. ]

Well, a young JEDR woman got married, you see, and as is traditional
with JEDR custom, she was a virgin and knew nothing of the ways of
Luv.

On her wedding night, she ran downstairs to her mother and cried,
Momma, momma, what do I do?

Her mother replied, Dont you worry, girl. Just lie back and enjoy
yourself.

So the girl went back upstairs to where her husband was waiting.
When she entered the room, she found that hed removed his shirt,
and his arms and chest were very broad, and very hairy.

She ran screaming back down the stairs.
Momma, momma, she cried. Hes gotta BIG HAIRY CHEST!

Her mother calmly replied, Dont you worry, girl. Hes gotta a
big hairy chest, that just mean he gotta BIIIIG love muscle. You
go back uppa there and have a good time.

So back up the stairs she went. This time, when she entered the room,
her husband had removed his trousers, and she saw his strong, muscled,
hairy legs.

She ran screaming back down the stairs.
Momma, momma, she cried. Hes gotta THICK HAIRY LEGS!!

Her mother calmly replied, Dont you worry, girl. Hes gotta
thick hairy legs, that just mean he gotta LARGE junket pump. You
go back uppa there and lie down and enjoy yourself.

So back up she goes. As she enters the room, she sees his feet for
the first time–and one of them is half missing!

She ran screaming back down the stairs.
Momma, momma, she cried. Hes gotta FOOT AND A HALF!!

Her mother rushed upstairs with the words, Outa my way, girl.
This is a job for your momma!

(Told to me by my girlfriend, who was told by a young JEDR girl.)

Rev. Dr. Phil Herring, Dept. of Computing Science, University of Wollongong

Q: How many manic-depressives does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but they keep changing it back and forth between the new and old bulbs.

If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?

Why did Bill Clinton veto the tax cuts?





So he could pay his interns.

Dont be so open minded that your brain falls out.

Ingredients

1/2 cup Hugs
4 tsp Kisses
2 cups Smiles
4 cups Love
1 cup Special Holiday Cheer
1/2 cup Peace on Earth
3 tsp Christmas Spirit
2 cups Goodwill Toward Man
1 Sprig of Mistletoe
1 medium-size bag of Christmas Snowflakes (the regular kind wont do!)

Method

Mix Hugs, Kisses, Smiles and Love until consistent. Blend in Holiday Cheer, Peace on Earth, Christmas Spirit and the Good Will toward Men. Use the mixture to fill a large, warm heart, where it can be stored for a lifetime. (It never goes bad!)

Serve as desired under mistletoe, sprinkled liberally with special Christmas Snowflakes.

It is especially good when accompanied by Christmas Carols and family get-togethers.

Serve to one and all.