Old and New Jokes

Q. Whats the difference between butter and a blonde?

A. Butter is difficult to spread.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?

A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?

A. A brunette with bad breath.

Q. What do blondes and cow shit have in common?

A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?

A. She opens the car door.

Q. Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?

A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

Q. What does a blonde say the last two words of the national anthem are?

A. Play ball!

Un día Pepito estaba en el colegio completamente desesperado, corriendo de un lado para otro, apartando las mesas y las sillas, registrando abrigos ajenos, vamos, montando una gorda… y entra la profesora y allí esta pepito con su búsqueda.

¿Qué pasa, Pepito? ¿Que haces?

Pepito, fuera de si, contesta:

!Mi sacapuntas, he perdido mi sacapuntas! ¡Mi sacapuntas!

Y la profesora contesta en un tono tranquilizador:

Pero hombre, Pepito, no te preocupes, es solo un sacapuntas, dile a tu papá que te compre otro y en paz…

¡Que no, que no, que cuando mi hermana perdió la regla le dieron una paliza bestial…!

Los papás de Pepito, al entrar a la recámara siempre cuentan hasta 10, que significa:

1- Se quita la ropa la señora.

2- Se quita la ropa el señor.

3- Apagan la luz.

4- Se acuestan.

5- La penetra.

6- Lo saca.

7- Prenden la luz.

8- Se visten.

9- Se dan un beso.

10- Se salen del cuarto.

Pepito, al enterarse de esto, invita a una amiga a su casa; se meten a su cuarto, cierra la puerta, se quitan la ropa y dice:

5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6, 5, 6…

Hubo una vez un concurso de a ver quién tenía la capacidad de masturbarse más veces seguidas.

Entra el primer concursante, Arnold Flagpole de los EEUU. Comienza: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, …¡50! Y cae agotado.

Viene el siguiente, Gregory Noparovich de Rusia. Empieza: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, …50, …100…¡150! Casi se lo llevan en camilla.

Después entra Nkano Noacabé del Congo. Inicia: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, …50, …100, …150, …200, …500, …¡1000! Se va hospitalizado, con todo y suero.

Por último, entra don Goyito Florián de Guatemala, un viejito de 90 años. Todos se burlaban de él. Pero comienza a todo vapor: …50, …100, …500, …1000, …5000, 10000, …100000, …¡1000000! ¡Y seguía!

Hasta que por fin lo paran.

Ya basta don Goyito. Mire que ya ganó. Párele ahí. Mire que ya no tenemos cubetas que llenar.

Así que le dan su trofeo y su corona. Luego, se va. De pronto, se dan cuenta que no le habían dado el cheque con el premio. Mandan a un muchacho a buscarlo a la calle.

El muchacho se topa entonces con un tipo que venía solo por la calle, y le pregunta:

Mire, ¿no vio a un viejito que llevaba puesta una corona y sujetaba un trofeo en su mano?

¡Ah si!, dice el tipo, Lo acabo de ver que se estaba masturbando allá a la vuelta.

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?

Yes, of course, said the doctor, why not!



Oh! How nice it would be , said the patient with joy, I have been illiterate for so long.

A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says, Father during the week I said the F-word.

The priest says, Well my son, say 3 Hail Marys and your sins will be forgiven.

The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.

Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church, said the guy.

Is that why you said the F-word? the priest asked.

No, the guy replied. I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough.

Is that why you said the F-word? the priest asked.

No, the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green.

Is that why you said the F-word? the priest asked.

No, the guy said. As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it.

Is that why you said the F-word? the priest asked.

No, the guy replied. As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball.

Is that why you said the F-word? the priest asked.

No, the guy replied. The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole.

The priest said, Dont tell – me you missed the fucking putt!

There was a small child who (being a very well behaved child) would say her prayers before going to bed ad night. One particular night, her mother overheard the prayers. God bless mummy, God bless daddy, God bless my brother Billy and may Rufus rest in peace. The mother was confused because the family dog was alive and well but thought little of it. The next day, the family arose to find Rufus stone dead on the kitchen floor.

That evening, the mother listened again. God bless mummy, God bless daddy and may Billy rest in peace. This time the mother was distressed. After several hours consulting with her husband, however, she had been convinced that Billy would be all right – so she went to bed. Sure enough, the next morning, Billy was found, dead as a doorknob.

After a somewhat traumatic day, the child prepared to go to bed. This time both parents listened. God bless mummy and may daddy rest in peace. The parents were frantic. The father spent the entire evening watching carefully that nothing could happen to him – while the mother spent the evening interrogating the child in a vain attempt to glean some more information. Time passed and when the sun rose, nothing had happened.

Feeling much relieved, the father prepared himself for work. He dressed confidently and ate his breakfast safe in the knowledge that he had beaten this thing. Just as he was leaving for work, he opened the door and found the corpse of the milkman lying on his doorstep.

How do you catch a polar bear?

You dig a hole in the ice and place peas all around it, and when the

polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole!

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, Please do me a favor. It feels like somethings stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me? His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruces ass, feeling all around, and says, I dont feel anything.

Bruce says, Trust me, theres something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out. So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruces ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass.

Bruce starts singing, Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…

Maria and Sjefke, both 14 years old (and Belgian), were playing together in the attick.

Mother shouts up: Maria and Sjefke, what are you doing in the attick?

Were making love, mother

Then it is ok, but dont let me catch you smoking!