Old and New Jokes

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

66. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

My brother-in-law goes into a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. He looks on the side of his cup and finds a peel off prize. He pulls off the tab and yells, I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!

The waitress runs over and says, Thats impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!

My brother-in-law replies, No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, You couldnt possibly have won a motor home because we dont have that as a prize!

Once again, my brother in-law says, No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!

The manager grabs the prize ticket and reads, WIN A BAGEL.

A guy walks into a psychiatrists office with a concerned look on his face.Doc, he says, Im worried. Its that dream. Im having it again!What dream? asked the psychiatrist.You know, says the man, the one where Im into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?

Im so naive about finances. Once when my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didnt understand, she had to explain: Thats like three Mercedeses. Then I understood

Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud
noises coming from his parents bedroom. He got out of
bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room.
Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises
had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little
Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father
removing a used condom.

Daddy, what are you doing? asked little Johnny.

His father looked around nervously wondering what
he could tell his son.

I, um, Im just checking out the bathroom for mice.
replied his father.

Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion
and said, Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.

When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver: Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?

The bus driver shakes his head and says, No, Im sorry.

Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters:

Will it take ME?

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10 Blonde Science Fair Projects:

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?

9) Is lighter fluid flammable?

8) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?

7) Are knives sharp?

6) Can sharks hurt a human?

5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?

4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?

3) Can I go through a brick wall?

2) Can dogs talk?

1) Are blondes really dumb?

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

6. Error #152 – Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.

Seen on a bumper sticker:

Let us pray for President Clinton: Psalm 109:8

Psalm 109:8

O Lord,

May his days be few,

and let another take his office.

– Psalm 109:8 (KJV)

You are in a room with a mass murderer, a terrorist and a lawyer.

You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Smurf Sex: this happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until youre blue in the face.
Kitchen Sex: this is at the beginning of the marriage; youll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.
Bedroom Sex: youve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
Hallway Sex: this is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, Fuck you!
Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.