Old and New Jokes

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.

When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver: Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?

The bus driver shakes his head and says, No, Im sorry.

Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters:

Will it take ME?

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10 Blonde Science Fair Projects:

10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?

9) Is lighter fluid flammable?

8) What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?

7) Are knives sharp?

6) Can sharks hurt a human?

5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?

4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?

3) Can I go through a brick wall?

2) Can dogs talk?

1) Are blondes really dumb?

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

6. Error #152 – Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance.

Seen on a bumper sticker:

Let us pray for President Clinton: Psalm 109:8

Psalm 109:8

O Lord,

May his days be few,

and let another take his office.

– Psalm 109:8 (KJV)

You are in a room with a mass murderer, a terrorist and a lawyer.

You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Smurf Sex: this happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until youre blue in the face.
Kitchen Sex: this is at the beginning of the marriage; youll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.
Bedroom Sex: youve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
Hallway Sex: this is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, Fuck you!
Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning. The wife said, You should do it, because you get up first, and then we dont have to wait as long to get our coffee.The husband said, You are in charge of cooking around here, and you should do it, because that is your job. I can just wait for my coffee.Wife replies, No, you should do it! Its even in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.Her husband replies, I cant believe that, show me.So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says……….HEBREWS

One day this factory foreman hired 3 guys – a Polish fellow named Stosh, a black guy named Calvin and a Chinese man named Ling.

When it came to handing out work assignments, he said Stosh, you take care of that machine over there. Make sure it has proper materials going it at all times and inspect each finished piece coming out.

Handing Calvin a broom, he said Calvin, make sure this place is clean at all times. Sweep up anything that falls on the floor.

So Ling asked what HE was supposed to do and the foreman said Youre in charge of supplies and went back to his office.

A little while later, he emerged from behind his desk to see how his new charges were doing.

Stosh was busily tending his machine and Calvin was sweeping up every piece of litter in sight. But he did not see Ling anywhere.

He went back to the warehouse – no Ling.

He checked the receiving area – no Ling!

He even went into the mens room – still no Ling!

In desperation he was going back to his office to call personnel to inform them he had lost a new employee when out from behind a stack of boxes jumped Ling yelling…

Suplize!

This was just forwarded to me from a friend.

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsofts new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:

GPF key – This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.
$$ key – When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.
ZD key – This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.
MS key – This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled Computing for Mindless Drones in a 1 x 1 window.
FUD key – Self explanatory.
Chicago key – Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.
IBM key – Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.

A man was crawling across the Desert dying of thirst, when a camel raced up and stopped. An Arab jumped down opened a suitcase and said, Would you like to buy a tie?

No, said the man, I need water, do you have water?

No, said the Arab, No water, but I do have a wonderful selection of ties.

He rode off, and the unfortunate man continued crawling across the hot sand until he came to a beautiful Hotel. He crawled up the steps, crying Water! Water!

The Manager approached him and said, Im sorry Sir, you cant come in here without a tie!!!

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16/

How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?

Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.

The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout swim for it!

The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and
go off to do another good deed.