Old and New Jokes

Q:Why do men stand in front of the mirror naked?



A:Because objects appear larger than they really are.

Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She
passes a person who asks, Where did you get that?

A: The pig says, I won her in a raffle!

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: For Women Only. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. Its easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you whats inside.

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: All the men on this floor are short and plain. The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: All the men here are short and handsome. Still, this isnt good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: All the men here are tall and plain.

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: All the men here are tall and handsome. The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.

His father sends a small boy to bed.

Five minutes later….

Da-ad….

What?

Im thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?

No. You had your
chance. Lights out.

Five minutes later: Da-aaaad…..

WHAT?

Im THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??

I told you NO! If you ask again, Ill have to spank you!!

Five minutes later……Daaaa-aaaad…..

WHAT!

When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?

Aquel hombre era astronauta y su mujer siempre lo estaba molestando con su deseo de viajar al espacio. Tanto lo estuvo fastidiando, que a pesar de explicarle que aquello era imposible, finalmente acordaron que en el siguiente viaje espacial ella lo sustituiría sin que nadie lo supiera.

La mujer se viste con el traje espacial del marido, marcado con su nombre: John Smith. Sin decir palabra, se dirigió hacia la nave saludando con la mano a todos los que le gritaban: mucha suerte, John; buen viaje, John, etc.

La nave despegó y a los pocos segundos estalló en el aire. Inmediatamente se organizó el rescate y auxilio de los sobrevivientes. Ya en el quirófano, la mujer comenzó a reaccionar; para tranquilizarla, los cirujanos le susurran:

Quédate tranquilo, John, ya te cosimos el tajito que tenías entre las piernas y ahora estamos tratando de bajarte los huevos, que los tenés en el pecho.

Una araña estuvo toda la mañana echándose perfume. Por la tarde seguía echándose perfume y toda la noche continuó igual. En eso se acerca otra araña y le pregunta intrigada:

Eh, tú, ¿por qué todo el día has estado untándote loción?

Por si las moscas…

DUMB WAITER:
one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK:
the inevitable result when the baby doesnt appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME:
what you call your child when youre mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS:
the people who think your children are wonderful even though theyre sure youre not raising them right.
HEARSAY:
what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
INDEPENDENT:
how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
OW:
the first word spoken by children with older siblings
PUDDLE:
a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
SHOW OFF:
a child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE:
what you do to your first babys pacifier by boiling it and to your last babys pacifier by blowing on it.
TOP BUNK:
where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING:
when the babys face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Grandma writes:

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a Honk if you really love Jesus bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and Im really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didnt notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, Jesus Christ! as loud as he could.

Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, Go, Jesus Christ, Go!

Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. Its a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love ya all,

Grandma

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. 

The genie said, OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and Im getting a little sick of these wishes so you can  forget about three… You only get one wish!

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, Ive always wanted to go to Hawaii,  but Im scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?

The genie laughed and said, Thats impossible!!!  Think of the logistics of that!  How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete — how much steel!!  No, think of another wish.

The man said OK, I will try to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said,  Ive been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I dont care and that Im insensitive.  So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what theyre thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why theyre crying, know what they really want when they say nothing,  know how to make them truly happy.

The genie said, Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?

Santa *remembers* its Christmas. Nuf said.
Reads childrens letters in office instead of in bathroom.
Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe thats the problem!
Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, Regis and Santa Lee.
Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
Mrs. Claus wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a 68 El Camino.
A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
Bowl full of jelly, my ass. Its water retention.
Constantly whining about equality until its time to clean out the reindeer stalls.
Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!
No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.
The North Pole Blockbusters been out of The Horse Whisperer for weeks.

and Top5s Number 1 Sign Santa Claus is Actually a Woman…

With the way they build chimneys these days youd *have* to be Calista friggin Flockhart just to get in!

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
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