A fragment of a drinking (or financing?) song called Hatless Atlas:
^<@<.@*
}_# |
-@$&/_%
!( @|=>
;+$?^?
,#~|)^G
hat less at less point at star
backbrace double base pound space bar
dash at cash and slash base rate
wow open tab at bar is great
semi backquote plus cash huh DEL
comma pound double tilde bar close BEL
A man was in a bad accident and was injured but the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious.
However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.
It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm.
He realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.
He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same. Do you notice anything unusual about me? he asked the first candidate.
Yes. You have no ears.
He quickly eliminated the first candidate.
Do you notice anything unusual about me? he asked the second candidate.
Yes. You have no ears.
He quickly eliminated the second candidate.
Do you notice anything unusual about me? he asked the third candidate.
Yes. Youre wearing contacts.
Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, Thats correct. How did you know?
You cant wear glasses if you dont have ears!
A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.
A fast-track young business executive had been working quite hard and one afternoon developed a splitting headache, sufficiently painful that he decided to take the rest of the afternoon off. He went home, which was an apartment on the 12th floor of a high-rise condominium, and realized upon reaching his door that he had left his keys at the office. He rang the doorbell and with no answer rang it again – and again.
After several minutes his wife opened the door. Her hair was in disarray and she had only her bathrobe on. The young exec was a bit suspicious, so he ran through the apartment looking for someone else. There was no one behind the living room couch, under the bed, in the walk-in closet, or in the bathroom. He ran into the kitchen and found no one in the pantry or under the kitchen table. He then looked over the kitchen balcony, and there, 12 stories below on a patio, was a man slipping on a shirt. Immediately concluding that he had discovered the guilty party, the young exec went berserk, grabbed the refrigerator and, heaving and shoving, managed to dump the refrigerator over the balcony railing.
The stress was so great that the young exec had a heart attack and died. He wafted his way to the pearly gates and there met ST. Peter who commented that he seemed to be quite young for his arrival and wondered why he was there. The young exec told his story, and St. Peter replied that it was a terrible thing that he had done, but that since he had done it in a fit of unreasoning rage there would be some forgiveness and that therefore he could enter heaven at about level 7.
A moment or two later a second young man appeared at the pearly gates, and upon a similar query from St. Peter explained that he didnt know exactly what happened. He had been resting in a hammock on a patio of a high rise condominium, realized that it was 3:30 and that he was working the 4 to 12 shift, leapt out of the hammock to put his shirt on and then, sensing a shadow and hearing a shout, looked up just in time to see that some nut had pushed a refrigerator over a balcony railing. Not having time to move, he was dispatched to the pearly gates. St. Peter, feeling sorry for the young man, and recognizing that he had lived a good life, told him he could enter at heaven at level 2.
No sooner had the young man left than President Clinton showed up. Incredulous, St. Peter pointed out that he hadnt expected the President for some years yet, and asked how he had managed to arrive so soon.
President Clinton responded – To tell you the truth, I dont know what happened. There I was, sitting in this refrigerator, minding my own business …
Now, what I did to a guy I didnt like one night is a classic:
I saw him at a restaurant with his other woman seated in the corner
of the restaurant trying to be inconspicuous. I went to the head
waiter and told him I wanted to send a cake over to my friends table
since he and his wife were celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary.
If youve ever been to a place like Bennigans where the waiters and
waitresses come singing and banging pots when they deliver a cake to
your table, you can imagine what happened next.
Four waiters and three waitresses carrying a cake with a sparkler
marched over to their table singing Happy Anniversary, Carole and
Mark…Happy…Happy…Happy Anniversary.
Talk about someone looking for the exits!
La amiga: Activo disponible.
La amante: Cuenta puente.
Los difuntos: Activos diferidos.
Los cuñados: Pasivo de contingencia.
Las cuñadas: Reservas de capital.
La despedida de los novios: Cierre de ejercicio.
La esposa: Pasivo fijo.
El esposo: Bolsa de valores.
Los hijos: Estado de pérdidas.
Las hijas: Estado de ganancias.
Los hijos naturales: Cuentas de orden.
La novia: Inversión.
La prometida: Superávit ganado.
31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.
32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
37. Always pick on the correct idiom.
38. The adverb always follows the verb.
39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; Theyre old hat; seek viable alternatives.
Back in the early twenties, organ grinders used to go into bars with their pet monkeys and entertain the customers for tips. This particular grinder walks into a bar with his pet monkey and states that he can play any tune that they want to hear. With that, he perches the monkey on the end of the bar, and the monkey is hopping down the bar, when it plops his ass on top of a drunks glass. The drunk yells, Shay, old man, duh yah know your monkeys got his ass in my beer?
The organ grinder replies, No, but go ahead and hum a few bars, and Ill pick it up from there.
Breakfast for Your Chest
The Quicker Picker-upper
The Bra Schwarzkopf Wore in Desert Storm!
Up, Up, and Away
As Seen on The Golden Girls!
Youll Never Need an Airbag Again!
Say Goodbye to Masking Tape and Staples
Does More Lifting and Separating Before 8 A.M. Than Most Bras Do All Day
Looks Great, More Filling
Leave it to Cleavage!
…her butt cheeks have different zip codes.