Old and New Jokes

Auburn Police

23400 block, 102nd Place Southeast — A woman reported that someone stole mail from her condo and, when she was gone, entered the place to tie her shoelaces together, tilt pictures on the walls and take snaps from her clothing. There had been no forced entries. No arrests were made. (May 30)

Renton Police

3000 block, Southeast Royal Hills Drive — A 5-year-old boy threatened a 6-year-old boy with a steak knife, saying he would kill the other boy unless he agreed to come out and play. Officers arrived and took the knife, and no charges were filed due to the ages of the boys. (May 26)

Maple Valley Precinct

67200 Maple Valley-Black Diamond Highway — A Maple Valley man told police somebody broke into his house, carried a few items outside onto the lawn and set them on fire. (June 1)

Green River Community College — Campus security detained two young men prowling cars in the parking lot. One youth, estimated to be about 16, fled, but an 18-year-old was nabbed. He was caught breaking into a womans car in an attempt to steal a stereo worth about $1,500. He told police he was going to sell the stereo to buy a pair of tennis shoes. (June 1)

From The Seattle Times, Monday, June 5, 1995

This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Years resolutions:

1. You reuse last years Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbors outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbors whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).

4. You put out last years stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdales or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party).

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points – nobody but Angelenos are dumb enough to dress a car).

9. After an invitation to a friends house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).

10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).

Evaluate your score on the Grinch Scale from 20 to 100.

• 20-30: You are just a cheeseball.

• 30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.

• 50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room.

He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, Reebok.

She thinks thats a bit odd and asks him about it.

Dennis says, When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement.

A bit later, his pants are off and she sees Puma tattooed on his leg.

He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.

Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word AIDS tattooed on his penis.

She jumps back with shock.

Im not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!

He says, Its cool baby, in a minute its going to say ADIDAS.

Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by.

The kitten complained, Mama, Im sooo hungry, what can we eat?



To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, How about some Baskin Robbins?

There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.



The first beggar wrote Beggar on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.



The next day, the second beggar wrote Beggar.com on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.



The following day, the third beggar wrote e-Beg on his cup. Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ferrer!
Ferrer who?
Ferrervrything there is a season!

Vote Democrat… Its easier than getting a job.

This old mountain woman was going to see a real docter for the first time in her life. After the exam , the doctor tells her to go home and come back in two days with a specimen. When she gets home she asks her husband what a specimen is. He says hell i dont know, go up the holler and ask ole lady wheeler, she knows somebody who went to a real doctor one time. The wife heads up the holler , then a few hours later comes back with a black eye, busted lip, and using a stick for a cane. The husband said , what happened to you? She said well i stepped up on ole lady wheelers porch and asked her what a specimen was, she told me to go piss in a jar, so i told her to go fart in a jug, and all hell broke loose!

Chelsea Clinton.