Old and New Jokes

There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.



The first beggar wrote Beggar on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.



The next day, the second beggar wrote Beggar.com on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.



The following day, the third beggar wrote e-Beg on his cup. Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ferrer!
Ferrer who?
Ferrervrything there is a season!

Vote Democrat… Its easier than getting a job.

This old mountain woman was going to see a real docter for the first time in her life. After the exam , the doctor tells her to go home and come back in two days with a specimen. When she gets home she asks her husband what a specimen is. He says hell i dont know, go up the holler and ask ole lady wheeler, she knows somebody who went to a real doctor one time. The wife heads up the holler , then a few hours later comes back with a black eye, busted lip, and using a stick for a cane. The husband said , what happened to you? She said well i stepped up on ole lady wheelers porch and asked her what a specimen was, she told me to go piss in a jar, so i told her to go fart in a jug, and all hell broke loose!

Chelsea Clinton.

( Apologies to all to whom this is not culturally relevant! )

A joke told to me by one of the staff at church on Sunday:

The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and
exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disapointed with the
dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.

For his first Sunday, he didnt wear the traditional robes and vestments,
but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation was
horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was
horrified! Then came the childrens lesson.

For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table.
The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against
the table as the children gathered around him. The congregation were
totally beside themselves!

He asked the children, Whats small, brown, furry and eats nuts?

There was total silence.

He asked again, Whats small, brown, furry and eats nuts?

Total silence.

Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, Please, Sir,
I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me.

Greg.

Yo mama so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!

Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, dont you?
A: They get elected.

Good: Youre having sex.

Bad: The dog came in during and licked your butt.

Worse: You liked it.

Good: Your teenage son is spending a lot of time in his room studying

Bad: You find a bunch of gay porno tapes hidden in his room.

Worse: Hes in them.

Good: Your wife gives your daughter the birds and the bees speech.

Bad: Your daughter keeps interrupting…..

Worse: ……with corrections.

Theres this man, a devout catholic, who really wants to meet the pope. When the pope comes to his town on his world tour, the man puts on his finest Armani suit and goes down to see him.

Well, there are hundreds and hundreds of well dressed people, but the pope walks right up to this one especially shabby guy. The guy is clearly a homeless person, unshaven, smelly and dressed in rags. The pope leans over and has a conversation with the guy.

Well, our hero notices this, and he realizes there is no way that he can possibly be noticed in the sea of Armani suits, so he ducks into a bathroom, shreds his clothing and makes himself up to be equally shabby.

Sure enough, when he comes out the pope comes right over to him, leans over and says, I thought I told you to get the hell out of here.