Old and New Jokes

He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Heres one people can tell to their grandmothers:

Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very
successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the
world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was
admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning
he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captains
quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece
of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it
back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a
treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated
about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captains body to rest,
the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters. He opened
the safe, got the envolope, opened it and…

The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words
were on the paper, two on two lines:

Port Left, Starboard Right

Llega un tipo a la casa de su compadre y al tocar la puerta grita Soy yo compadre!. La comadre le abre y dice Juan está en el baño,

y ahí va el compadre, entra y está el compadre en un jacuzzi, y el compadre sorpendido dice:

¡PERO COMPADRE QUE ES ESA CHINGADERA!

Es un jacuzzi compadre…

¿Y dónde lo compró?

Mire, llame a tal número y allí se lo venden.

Y el compadre habla y dice quiero una cosa como la de mi compadre.

¿Y quien es su compadre?

Fulano.

Ah sí, usted quiere un jacuzzi! Van a ser $2500.

¡QUE!, no habra otra cosa más barata…

Una tina.

Bueno, pues me la llevo.

Luego se la mandamos.

Pasa un mes y la tina no llega, y el compadre desesperado le habla a Juan y le pregunta y el compadre dice: es que tiene que mandar un telegrama compadre.

Va el compadre y manda un telegrama donde pone:

Miren hijos de su madre, quiero mi pinche tina ahora mismo. Va, lo entrega y le dicen son $500

!QUE!

Son tantas letras y a tanto por letra.

Está bien, haré otro.

Y pone solo una I.

A la semana le hablan: Señor perengano ¿usted nos mando un telegrama?

Sí.

Pero no le entendemos solo tiene una letra.

¿Y que letra es?

Una I.

¿Que tipo de I?

I latina.

Ahí está pendejos: ¿Y LA TINA donde carajos está.

Dos sacerdotes estaban hospedados en un convento para participar en un gran evento religioso. Para no incomodar a las hermanas que residían allí, los curas salían poco de su cuarto y tomaban el baño muy tarde, para no encontrarse con ninguna monja. Una noche salieron de su cuarto a tomar el baño y ya estando allí se dieron cuenta que no había jabones. Entonces, uno de ellos dijo:

Yo tengo jabones en mi cuarto. Voy a buscarlos.

Pensando en ganar tiempo, y sin imaginar que pudiera aparecerse alguien a esas horas, el padre fue a buscar los jabones completamente desnudo. Ya en su cuarto, tomó dos jabones, uno en cada mano, y se dirigió al baño, donde lo esperaba el otro religioso. A mitad del corredor se encontró con tres monjas que se quedaron perplejas. Como no había donde esconderse, el sacerdote se pegó a la pared y se quedó inmóvil, como una estatua. Las tres hermanas se acercaron a la estatua, admirando la perfección de la obra, hasta que una de ellas llevó una mano a los genitales y jaló el miembro del padre, que, asustado, dejó escapar un jabón. La segunda monja exclamó:

¡Madre mía, es una estatua distribuidora de jabones!

Las hermanas se quedaron maravilladas y, para comprobarlo, la otra hermana también jaló del miembro del padre, que inmediatamente soltó un jabón más. Entonces, la tercera monja repitió la operación y no vio ningún jabón. Intentó jalar una vez más ¡y nada! Otra vez y otra vez, todo para recibir un jabón, hasta que gritó, llena de entusiasmo:

¡Hermanas, la estatua también suelta jabón líquido!

Im picturing lovely ribbons winding like candy canes down the iron



bars, and useful storage containers shes built that glide easily below



her bunk bed in which shell store sheets and linens from K-Marts



going-out-of-business sale.



The lone toilet will be transformed into a bouquet spilling over with



toilet paper flowers, into which a trickling cascade of water will flow



from the sink in a bird bath-like fashion, in an effort to attract sparrows



through the open bars of her window.



Once trapped in her cell, the sparrows will be slowly roasted with



matches for which Martha will have gotten by beating up her cellmate.



They will be stuffed with acorns found in the prison courtyard. I hear



its Marthas intention to collect enough birds to offer a Thanksgiving



feast to all those who continue to subscribe to her magazine, even



while in prison, although she has asked that each of them commit



to a year of service as part of her newly appointed staff.



I believe she plans to save all the rolls from her dinner tray to build a



decorative wall between her bed and that of her cellmate, as Sam



Waksals taste clashes wildly with hers.



Her future plans include melting down the gold she plans to collect



from the teeth of other inmates, with which she will guild invitations



to her own escape. With a spoon she has forged into the shape of a



melon baller, Martha plans to scoop out marble-sized bits of her cell



floor until she has made it safely under the prison walls to freedom.



Any prison guards in pursuit will lose their footing immediately on the



thousands of marbles she plans to leave in her wake, each one



perfectly round.



As a parting gesture, Martha plans to moon the prison. Tattooed on



her cheeks is written: Its a good thing.

What do smart Sardar and UFOs have in common?

You always hear about them but you never see them.

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

Its certainly not a ship, he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and says, Tell me, how long has it been since youve had a cigarette?

Ten years, replies the stunned man.

With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, Man, oh man! Is that good!!

And how long has it been since youve had a sip of bourbon? she asks him.

Trembling the castaway replies, Ten years.

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, WOW, thats absolutely fantastic!

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively, and asks, And how long has it been since youve played around?

With tears in his eyes, the guy falls to his knees and sobs, Oh good Lord! Dont tell me youve got golf clubs in there too?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Louisiana!
Louisiana who?
Louisiana boy friend split up!

Era un médico que no trataba muy bien a sus pacientes, ya que los remedios que daba no eran muy buenos; un día Juan, Luis y Jorge traman un plan. El plan consistía en decirle al doctor que sufrían una enfermedad muy extraña para que el doctor no pudiera dar ningún remedio.

Ese día entró primero Luis y el doctor le preguntó:

¿Qué le pasa a usted?

Pues es muy extraño, si como ensalada cago la ensalada intacta; si como arroz también lo cago igualito que cuando me lo comí.

Pues coma mierda para que cague mierda.

Y Luis se fue furioso; luego entró Juan y dijo:

Doctor, tengo un dolor de cabeza a veces sí, a veces no, a veces sí, a veces no.

Pues aquí tiene estas pastillas, tómeselas a veces sí, a veces no, a veces sí, a veces no.

Y Juan se fue furioso. Entró Jorge y dijo:

Doctor, tengo algo adentro que me sube y me baja.

Eso es un peo indeciso.

¿Cómo es eso?

¡Bueno, que con la cara de culo que tienes no halla si salir por abajo o por arriba!

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbors bull and turned it loose in the pasture.

He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.

Yeah daddy, yeah daddy, said the little boy.

After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends.

Say, Pop, said the boy.
Yes, replied his father.
The bull just screwed the brown cow!

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said Excuse me and took his son outside.

Son, you mustnt use language like that in front of company. You should say The bull surprised the brown cow. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow.

The father went back inside the house.
After a while the boy came in and said, Hey, Daddy!
Yes, son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?

He sure did, Pop! He screwed the brown cow again!