Old and New Jokes

DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, You know, Ive lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes? Why? Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb.They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery, when a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldnt help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father, nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?The next day, they went back to the store, and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them.Once again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde – wearing a string bikini this time– came walking toward them.Again she approached them and greeted them individually: Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father, and started to walk away.One of the priests couldnt stand it and said, Just a minute, young lady.Yes, she replied.We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know , how in the world did you know that we are priests?Father, she said, its me, Sister Helen . . .

These Radio Armenia jokes were told to me by a friend who says
that he heard them when he lived in Russia for a summer.

The call in question show on Radio Armenia often has to deal with
some tough questions.

Q: What is champagne?

A: Radio Armenia is pleased to inform you that champagne is a wonderfully
delicious alcoholic beverage which is consumed by the working people
through their elected representatives.

Jeff Goldberg

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Nettie!
Nettie who?
Nettie as a fruitcake!

A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, Quit while youre ahead?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

Una señora sale al patio de su casa, de repente, ve un gorila subido en uno de los árboles. Enseguida llama al zoológico:

En el patio de mi casa hay un gorila, informa la dama al encargado del zoo.

Ese debe ser el que escapó ayer, denos su dirección para buscarlo.

La señora le da los datos y a la media hora se aparece un hombre con una red, un perro y un rifle.

¿Y cómo es que lo agarran?, quiere saber la mujer.

Es un método moderno: yo me subo al árbol donde está el gorila y hago que se caiga al suelo; entonces, este perro está estrenado para morderle los testículos y cuando esté paralizado, le tiro la red encima y listo.

El hombre se dirige al árbol y cuando se apresta a subir le da el rifle a la señora.

¿Y qué hago con este rifle?, pregunta la dueña asustada.

¡Es que si el que cae soy yo, mate al perro!

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls, and would his mother, Please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this.



So Johnnys mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.



– First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse…



So unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.



– Ok, now take off my skirt…



And he takes off her skirt.



– Now take off my bra…



Which he does.



– And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.



And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,



Johnny, PLEASE dont wear any of my clothes to school any more!

Pretty funny if you think about it…

What the Doctor saysWhat the Doctor REALLY means
This should be taken care of right away.Id planned a trip to Kenya next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
Well see.First I have to check my malpractice insurance.
Let me check your medical history.I want to see if youve paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
Why dont we make another appointment later in the week.Im playing golf this afternoon, and this is a waste of time.
I really cant recommend seeing a chiropractor.I hate those guys mooching in on our fees.

Jim Mullens Hot Sheet – What the country is talking about

{Entertainment Weekly}

December 19, 1998

1. {The Prince of Egypt}. There was an early marketing snag. Moses wanted to be called The Prophet Formerly Known as the Prince of Egypt.

2. {Helen and Anne). Theyre sick of living in the backstabbing, two faced, lying deceitful world of Hollywood. So theyre moving to Washington, DC.

3. {Frank Sinatra}. It turns out the FBI kept a 1300-page file on him. They were this close to finding out about his singing.

4. {Fruitcake Jokes}. They last years longer than Viagra and Monica Lewinsky Jokes.

5. {Jack Frost}. A father dies and comes back as a cuddly snowman. The bad news is, his family moved to Miami.

6. {Kelsey Grammer}. Hes worried a home sex video he made will hurt his career. He should splice it into the middle of {Down Periscope}. No one will ever see it.

7. {Shopping}. A study says going to the mall makes mens blood pressure rise. Did they administer the test in front of Victorias Secret?

8. {Patch Adams}. Robin Williams plays a doctor who believes laughter is the best medicine. So do most HMOs.

9. {Youve got Mail}. Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan carry on a romance over the Internet. And we get to watch them type?

10. {Julie Andrews}. {The Sound of Music} star vows her throat problems wont keep her from singing again. It never stopped Bob Dylan.

11. {Stepmom}. Julia Roberts cant seem to get along with her new future stepchildren. Whats her name, and Hey, You!

12. {Seasonal Affective Disorder}. Thats what they called the Depression some people get this time of year. It used to be called, Being Broke.

13. {A Civil Action}. John Travolta plays a lawyer who spends his life savings to help one town. Then he wakes up.

14. {Star Trek: Insurrection}. The crew of the Starship Enterprise saves the entire known universe. For the umpteemth time. Now its Miller Time.

15. {The Faculty}. High school students suspect their teachers are from another planet. No humans would work that hard for that kind of money.