Theres this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town? The missionary says, Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say Thank God to make it go and Amen to make it stop.



Not paying much attention, the man says, Sure, ok. So he gets On the horse and says, Thank God and the horse starts walking. Then he say, Thank God, thank God, and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man say, Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God and the horse just takes off.



Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and hes doing everything he can to make the horse stop. Whoa, stop, hold on!!!! Finally he remembers, Amen!!



The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. The man leans back in the saddle and says, Thank God.

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. Listen, said the shoplifter, I know you dont want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this? The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?

He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?. Sure its easy. replied the neurosurgeon. All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and youll be a Newfie. He was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeons knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patients brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patients brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patients bed as the patient recovered from the anaesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him Im terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain. The patient replied Quest-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?

Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice for two hours?

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. I cant stand this, said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. Hold it, hold it, he said to the men. Can you tell me whats going on here with this digging? Well, we work for the county government, one of the men said. But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. Youre not accomplishing anything. Arent you wasting the countys money? You dont understand, mister, one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. Normally theres three of us–me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Yea, piped up Mike. Now just because Rodneys sick, that dont mean we cant work, does it?

You fall off the floor quite often
The whole bar says Hi when you come in …
Hangovers have become an alternative lifestyle
Bill & Hillary Clinton are starting to make sense
You lose most of the arguments with inanimate objects
You have a Reserved Parking space at your liquor store
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
You dont recognize people, unless seen through bottom of glass
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
You think the 4 Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol & Women

heard this on the radio yesterday:

WBGL … Broadcasting Gods Love in East-Central Illinois, West-Central Indiana … … and now, North-Central Uzbekistan!

Ms. Single Mother is drowning 100 feet from shore.

Mr. Republican comes by. He throws her a 50 foot rope, and says hes done his share, now she needs to do her part and meet him half way.

Mr. Democrat comes by. He thows her a 200 foot rope, then drops his end.

— Tony Compolo (heard on the radio)

We are a two-party system, so some day Labor will win. Our job is to hang on until they are sane. — Margaret Tatcher, 1987

After losing in 1992, Labor decided to try sanity, installing Blair as leader. — George Will.

An
autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture
to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed
the class. There are two things you need to make a
career in medical forensics. First, you must have no
fear. Having said that, he shoved his finger up the
corpses anus and licked it. Now you must do the same,
he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the
class did as instructed.
Second, the professor continued, you must have
an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many
of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this
mans anus, but licked my index finger?

From the David Letterman Show:

WALDHIEMERS disease is what you have when you cant remember you were
a Nazi.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, dont gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say Eat me.

12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the Cherry.

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.