Old and New Jokes

Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.

Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.

Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.

You might be a rednack if…

There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.

You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

Youve ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.

You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.

You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

You think you are an entrepreneur because of the Dirt for Sale sign in the front yard.

Youre still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

You dont think Jeffs Foxworthys jokes are funny.

Every time you see a roadsign that says DIP you reach in your back pocket.

Youve ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a Ping-Pong table.

You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.

You have to hit the dashboard in your truck to get the lights and radio to work.

The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.

The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your butt when you get out.

You think dual airbags refers to your wife and mother-in-law.

Shopping for dinner involves an orange vest.

Your school dress code contains the line Shoes Optional.

Una noche, una pareja está en la cama y el marido suavemente acaricia el brazo de su mujer. La esposa se voltea y le dice:

Lo siento cariño, pero tengo cita con el ginecólogo mañana y quiero estar fresca.

El marido, rechazado, se da la vuelta y trata de dormir. Unos minutos más tarde se voltea de nuevo y destapa a la esposa, susurrándole al oído:

¿Y también tienes cita con el dentista mañana?

Confusion creates jobs.

I was working in a furniture store when a customer entered and asked to see the bookcases.

I reviewed the different cases for her, describing the available sizes and finishes. As I went along, I mentioned the different names: The Library Case, The Standard Case, The Modern Case, The Video Case and The Lawyer Case.

The customer stopped me and asked, Why do they call it The Lawyer Case?

I replied, If you look carefully, you will notice how many of them are made just a little crooked.

-=} Randall {=- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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The 2000 Darwin awards!

(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, You need to join the Army of the Lord!

Jack replied, Im already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.

Pastor questioned, How come I dont see you except at Christmas and Easter?

He whispered back, Im in the secret service.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her fathers word processor.

She told him she was writing a story. Whats it about? he asked.



I dont know, she replied. I cant read.

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Daves porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, Mabel, Id sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.

Well then, why dont you? Mabel whispered back. It is YOUR cow.

1. Compaq is considering changing the instruction Press Any Key to Press Return Key because of the flood of calls asking where the Any key is.



2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packed in.



3. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.



4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldnt get his computer to FAX anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to FAX a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitors screen and pressing the Send key.



5. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it couldnt find the printer. The user had also turned the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldnt see the printer.



6. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldnt get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in she responded, I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. The foot pedal turned out to be the computers mouse.



7. True story from a Novell NetWire System Operator…

Caller: Hello is this tech support?

Tech: Yes it is. How may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting it fixed?

Tech: Im sorry, but did you say cup holder?

Caller: Yes, its attached to the front of my computer.

Tech: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, Its because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, or at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trade mark on it?

Caller: It came with my computer, I dont know anything about a promotional. It just has 4X on it. (At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he was laughing too hard.) The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder.



8. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. I put in the first disk and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said put in the third disk — I couldnt even fit it in… The user hadnt realised that Insert Disk 2 meant remove Disk 1 first.