Old and New Jokes

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. (Indignant nose upturned.) Of course, I wouldnt expect you to understand.

I married Miss Right.

I just didnt know her first name was Always.

Una pareja camina por la orilla del mar cuando la mujer pregunta:

¿Mi amor, si yo me tiro tú te tiras a rescatarme?

Si te digo que sí, ¿te tiras?

Yo mama is so fat that when you went on vacation to Sea World, the security guards arrested you for trying to steal Shamu.

I used to be an agnostic, but now Im not so sure.

one day moshe cohen goes to the rabbi to ask for advice.he says to the rabbirabbi,i feel very unholy


ive been very bad to other people.


moshesays the rabbi (for he knows him well)the torah says to love thy neighbor like you love yourself.


i knowsays moshewhat should i do?


so the rabbi saysgo to you front window and stick out your tongue.


gee,thankssays moshewill that make me holy?


no,says the rabbibut the man opposite your front


window refused to donate tzedakah to the shul

Why was the ladys hair so angry?Because she wouldnt stop teasing it! 😀

Bill was travelling with George Stephanopolous one day when they decided, (for a change?!?!?) to stop at a McDonalds.

Before eating the men went to relieve themselves. At the urinal Bill happened to peek over and noticed that George was pretty endowed. When he inquired about it George said it got so big because he whaps it against the bedpost every night before he goes to sleep.

Bill decided to try it.

When he got home it was late and Hillary was in bed already. Bill put on his p.j.s, walked over to the bed and whapped his wonder wand against the bedpost.

Hillary whispers quietly, George… is that you?

The most important statistic for car manufacturers is autocorrelation.

Q: What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.