Old and New Jokes

WIFE:


What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?


HUSBAND:


Definitely not!


WIFE:


Why not – dont you like being married?


HUSBAND:


Of course I do.


WIFE:


Then why wouldnt you remarry?


HUSBAND:


Okay, Id get married again.


WIFE:


You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).


HUSBAND:


(makes audible groan).


WIFE:


Would you live in our house?


HUSBAND:


Sure, its a great house.


WIFE:


Would you sleep with her in our bed?


HUSBAND:


Where else would we sleep?


WIFE:


Would you let her drive my car?


HUSBAND:


Probably, it is almost new.


WIFE:


Would you replace my pictures with hers?


HUSBAND:


That would seem like the proper thing to do..


WIFE:


Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND:


No, shes left-handed.

WIFE:


– – silence – –

HUSBAND:


Whooooooooooooooooooops….

A man walked into a lawyers office and inquired about the lawyers rates.

Fifty dollars for three questions, replied the lawyer.

isnt that awfully steep? asked the man.

Yes, the lawyer replied, and what was your third question?

One day a guy walked into a pet store to buy a parrot.

He found one that he liked and went up to the counter to buy it. The store clerk saw which parrot he had picked out and said, That parrot repeats everything he hears.

Thats alright, the man replied.

So the man bought the parrot and left the store.

As he was walking down the street, he saw a cop chasing a robber.

The cop hollered to his partner, Shoot him down, shoot him down!

Then the parrot said, Shoot him down, shoot him down!

They kept walking and found a man who was trying to pry his car off the ground with a crowbar because his wheels had been stolen.

The man said, Pop it up, pop it up!

The parrot said, Pop it up, pop it up!

They kept on walking to a carnival. A guy at a gamestand yelled, Hit a big one, win a prize!

The parrot said, Hit a big one, win a prize!

Then they walked into a church and sat down.

The minister was in the middle of the sermon.

He said, The Lord is above us.

The parrot said, Shoot him down,shoot him down!

The minister said, The devil is below us.

The parrot said, Pop it up, pop it up.

Then the minister got angry and threw a bible at the parrot. The parrot ducked and the bible hit a fat lady behind him.

The parrot said, Hit a big one, win a prize!

Q: How many people with multiple personality disorder does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but theyre really three.

Una noche, una chica tenía invitación para asistir a una fiesta. Le pide permiso a su padre, quién está sentado en el sofá:

Papá, papá, hoy tengo una fiesta ¿me dejas ir?.

¡No!

Pero papá, es la fiesta de mi mejor amiga.

¡No!

Papi, por favor.

Está bien, pero primero, chúpame la pinga.

¡Pero papá, yo soy tu hija!

¡Chúpala!

¡Esto no puede ser papá!

¡Chúpamela!

¡Está bien, todo sea por una fiesta!.

Y en eso se la chupa y finaliza diciendo:

¿Papá, antes de ir te puedo preguntar algo?

Dime, hija.

¿Por qué la verga te sabe a mierda?

¡Ah, es que tu hermano quiso ir al estadio!

Five reasons to believe computers are female:



1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.



2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.



3. The message Bad command or file name is about as informative as, If you dont know why Im mad at you, then Im certainly not going to tell you.



4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.



5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, Stop! Acts 2:38! [Turn from your sin]

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you.

Scripture? replied the burglar, She said she had an axe and two 38s!

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and around the hands and feet of the man.

University: ______________________

To: Professor____________________

From:___________________________

I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:



__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.



__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.



__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I wont get into:

______Medical School ______Graduate School

______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority

______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech



__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in: _______________.



__5. Ill lose my scholarship.



__6. Im on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldnt find a copy of your exam.



__7. I didnt come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.



__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.



__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.



__10. You are prejudiced against:

____Males

____Jews

____Blacks

____Females

____Catholics

____Whites

____Protestants

____Moslems

____Minorities

____Chicanos

____People

____Students



__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.



__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:

____mono

____broken baby finger

____acute alcoholism

____pregnancy

____VD

____fatherhood



__13. You told us to be creative but you didnt tell us exactly how you wanted that done.



__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.



__15. I dont have a reason; I just want a higher grade.



__16. The lectures were:

____too detailed to pick out important points

____not explained in sufficient detail

____too boring

____all jokes and not enough material

____all of the above



__17. This course was:

____too early, I was not awake.

____at lunchtime, I was hungry

____too late, I was tired



__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.



__19. Other__________________________________

A raisin