Old and New Jokes

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.



How did you know that? his mother asked.



Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, he replied.

I think its printed on the bottom!

Q: What did the circumference of the circle say to its diameter?
A: Hey, do you wanna share some of my pi?

A wife noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, I dont think thats going to help. Sure it does, he said. Its the only way I can see the numbers

What did Michael Jackson say to the priest when he saw a five year old boy?

Hands off! I saw him first…

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.

The first has no arms.

The second no legs.

And the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and splash theyre all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: Three years Ive spent learning to swim with my freakin ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!

yo momma so stupid that she asked you what kind of jeans you had on. And you said Guess so she said Levis.

While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a ign that read Will work for food. If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly a bove him read Now hiring.

At an office: This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises, bonses and promotions.

SEEN ON A BILLBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: Caution: Objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education.

You see a forest fire and think Bar-bee-Q.

Youve ever strained your tea through a flyswatter.

Your mother is hairier than your father.

At a major medical convention, a noted internist arises to announce that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic.

Whats it cure? asks a member of the audience. Nothing we dont already have a drug for, the internist replies. Well, whats so miraculous about it?

One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times!

Download: Gettin the firewood off the pickup.

Mega Hertz: When yer not careful down loadin.

Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from pilin too much firewood.