Old and New Jokes

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you dont have to retrain them on Monday.

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, You seem like nice young men, and Id like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. Ill see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, How did you do over the weekend?

Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever. 17 people? Thats wonderful. What did you tell them?

I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.

Thats admirable, said the judge. And you, how did you do? (to the 2nd boy)

Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever. 156 people! Thats amazing! How did you manage to do that!

Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles) I said (pointing to small circle) this is your ass hole before prison…..

1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

2. Incoming fire has the right of way.

3. Dont look conspicuous: it draws fire.

4. The easy way is always mined.

5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

6. Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous.

7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When youre ready for them. When youre not ready for them.

8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

9. If you cant remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

11. Dont draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

14. If its stupid but works, it isnt stupid.

15. When in doubt empty the magazine.

16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.

17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing dothing.

18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you cant get out.

19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

21. Dont ever be the first, dont ever be the last and dont ever volunteer to do anything.

22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.

23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.

24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

Two Kiwi guys are working at the top of a high rise building site in New Zealand. Anyway, Phul (Phil) turns to Muck (Mick) & says Ive gotta take a puss, but theres nowhere to go.

Walk out to the end of that plank replies Muck. Ill stand on this end and balance you.

Are You sure Muck?

Yeah, no worries mate

100%?

YES!

So out goes Phul to take a piss, but before hes finished, the lunch siren sounds. Muck forgets what hes supposed to be doing and steps off the plank. Phul, of course, is a goner.

Several months later, an Australian, a Frenchman and a bloke from New Zealand are sitting in a pub discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest.

Greg the Aussie says, Mate, Ive been known to miss out on a piss-up session down the pub with me mates trying to crack on to sheilas!

Pierre the Frenchman says Non, non, non. We French chase ze women weeth much zest and geev to zem gifts of love like French champagne to ween zeir affection. Eet ees us for sure

Meanwhile Bob (the Kiwi) sits laughing & says No, you blokes are both wrong. The other month I was walking past a building site in Auckland, following these two gorgeous looking birds, and this bloke came plummeting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming: CUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT!!!

(Thanks to Mick Plumbly)

5. Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the morning, be the first to point out what a terrible thing that someone did this to such beautiful works of art.

When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after hed lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. Were sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.

Well…tell me! he demanded.

The policeman said, We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, Give me the bad news first.

So the policeman said, Im sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wifes body this morning in San Francisco Bay.

OH MY GOD!, said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, Whats the good news?

Well, said the policeman, When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.

Huh? he said, not understanding. So, whats the great news?

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, Were going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.

There was once a man who could not get his penis up.
His wife was sad. They had no fun,
So one day the man went to the doctors
to get a perscription for his problem.
We dont like to just give drugs out the doctor said.
I want you to try something and if it doesnt work come back.
What? the man asked.
When your wife is asleep,
Stick your finger in her pussy
and sniff your fingers.
Do you think it will really work?
The doctor was sure.
So, the next night when his wife lay next to him in bed,
he did what the doctor said.
He sniffed those fingers and found them to be good.
He realized it worked, he realized he could.
Honey, Honey!! he called. Wake up!
With a grunt she turned on the light,
looked her husband in the face, and said

You woke me to tell me you have a nose bleed!!

Heard this on Tom Snyders show …

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, Jesus is watching you!

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. Jesus is watching you, the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, Did you say that?

Yes, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: Whats your name?

Clarence, said the bird.

If youre Clarence, sneered the burglar. Who is Jesus?

The parrot said, The Rottweiller who is watching you.

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter greets him and says, Glad
to see you; weve got your place all ready. Peter then takes the
Pope down the street and shows him his new home: a small but
comfortable cottage of 5 rooms. Peter advises the Pope to settle in,
and then wander around meeting the other residents.

The Pope meets many old friends and makes several new ones over the
next few days. One of these is a former lawyer who invites the Pope
over for lunch. On arriving, the Pope is astounded to see a 45 room
mansion, with built-in sauna and weight-room, a beautiful library, and
spacious, airy rooms.

After lunch, the Pope spies St. Peter on the street and says, Not to
complain, but Im curious as to why I have a small cottage while the
lawyer I just met has a stupendous mansion.

St. Peter replied, Well, you see, we have many Popes up here, but
only one lawyer.

Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.