Old and New Jokes

When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after hed lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. Were sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.

Well…tell me! he demanded.

The policeman said, We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, Give me the bad news first.

So the policeman said, Im sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wifes body this morning in San Francisco Bay.

OH MY GOD!, said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, Whats the good news?

Well, said the policeman, When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.

Huh? he said, not understanding. So, whats the great news?

The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, Were going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.

There was once a man who could not get his penis up.
His wife was sad. They had no fun,
So one day the man went to the doctors
to get a perscription for his problem.
We dont like to just give drugs out the doctor said.
I want you to try something and if it doesnt work come back.
What? the man asked.
When your wife is asleep,
Stick your finger in her pussy
and sniff your fingers.
Do you think it will really work?
The doctor was sure.
So, the next night when his wife lay next to him in bed,
he did what the doctor said.
He sniffed those fingers and found them to be good.
He realized it worked, he realized he could.
Honey, Honey!! he called. Wake up!
With a grunt she turned on the light,
looked her husband in the face, and said

You woke me to tell me you have a nose bleed!!

Heard this on Tom Snyders show …

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, Jesus is watching you!

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. Jesus is watching you, the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot, Did you say that?

Yes, said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: Whats your name?

Clarence, said the bird.

If youre Clarence, sneered the burglar. Who is Jesus?

The parrot said, The Rottweiller who is watching you.

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter greets him and says, Glad
to see you; weve got your place all ready. Peter then takes the
Pope down the street and shows him his new home: a small but
comfortable cottage of 5 rooms. Peter advises the Pope to settle in,
and then wander around meeting the other residents.

The Pope meets many old friends and makes several new ones over the
next few days. One of these is a former lawyer who invites the Pope
over for lunch. On arriving, the Pope is astounded to see a 45 room
mansion, with built-in sauna and weight-room, a beautiful library, and
spacious, airy rooms.

After lunch, the Pope spies St. Peter on the street and says, Not to
complain, but Im curious as to why I have a small cottage while the
lawyer I just met has a stupendous mansion.

St. Peter replied, Well, you see, we have many Popes up here, but
only one lawyer.

Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, Youll never find anyone like me again! Im thinking, I should hope not! If I dont want you, why would I want someone like you? A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad. A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. You know a cow was murdered for that jacket? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, I didnt know there were any witnesses. Now Ill have to kill you too. If your parents never had children, chances are you wont either. Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait. In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then its you. USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population. I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. Come on, buddy, lets go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, hes got a spoon. Back off. Ive got the toe clippers right here.

Law of Selective Gravity:
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Jennings Corollary:
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

Yo mama so stupid was born on Independence Day and cant remember her birthday.

El sobrino de Bonifacio se prepara para casarse y éste le manifiesta:

¡Mis sinceras felicitaciones, mi hijo, el día de hoy tú lo vas a recordar como el día más feliz de tu vida!

Sí, tío, pero la boda es mañana…

Ya lo sé, mi hijo, ya lo sé…

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. In English, he said, A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.

A voice from the back of the room piped up, Yeah, right.