Old and New Jokes

1. Thank you – were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean youre an artist.

3. I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just dont care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.

7. What am I – flypaper for freaks!?

8. Im not being rude. Im just ignoring you.

9. Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of calories to burn off.

12. Yes, he is an agent of Satan, but his duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. Im really easy to get along with once you people realize Im right.

16. Your idea seems reasonable… Time to up my medication.

17. Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.

18. Im out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…

19. I dont work here. Im a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I cant do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like Im doing nothing, but at the cellular level Im really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25. I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

You might be a redneck if every time you see a sign that says: “Just Say No To Crack,” it reminds you to pull up your pants.

These two Scottish characters are chatting. One of them then pulls out an expensive looking pocket watch from his pocket to check the time. Thats a fine watch you got there! says the other. Yeah it is, isnt it? I got it from my grandfather. says the guy with the watch. Really? Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed.

Now watch closely, because Im only going to do this once.

Yo mama so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

Im not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Blonde secretarys memo to her boss:

TO: My Boss
FROM: Blondie
SUBJECT: Changing Calendars For Y2K

I hope that I havent misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for you. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant.
Your loyal secretary!

This poem was written by Jon Saxton (an author of math textbooks).

((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0

Or for those who have trouble with the poem:

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,

plus three times the square root of four,

divided by seven,

plus five times eleven,

equals nine squared and not a bit more.

Tis a favorite project of mine

A new value of pi to assign.

I would fix it at 3

For its simpler, you see,

Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9.

(The Lure of the Limerick by W.S. Baring-Gould, p.5. Attributed to Harvey L. Carter).

If inside a circle a line

Hits the center and goes spine to spine

And the lines length is d

the circumference will be

d times 3.14159

If (1+x) (real close to 1)

Is raised to the power of 1

Over x, you will find

Heres the value defined:
2.718281…

Heres a limerick – looks better on paper.

/3
/
| 2 3 x 3.14 3_
| z dz x cos( ———-) = ln (/e )
| 9
/
1

Which, of course, translates to:

Integral z-squared dz

from 1 to the square root of 3

times the cosine

of three pi over 9

equals log of the cube root of e.

And its correct, too.

The news last night of impending tax hikes gave me an inspiration. They
plan on raising the gas tax (per gallon) from 5 cents to 11 cents (on Jan 1
or Mar 1), and then to 21 cents on Jan 1 1991. We could have a tax revolt;
have everyone dress up as Exxon employees and dump gas into Boston Harbor.
Unfortunately, with the way the Harbor is, no one would notice.

A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.



The woman reporter shouted out This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!. Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, I bet you $50 that the mans gonna jump! The blonde responds back Thats a bet you have there!.



So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin, i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff.



And the blonde says Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!