Old and New Jokes

Excuse me, could you tell me the time? asked the blonde of a man on the street corner.

Sure….its three fifteen,he replied with a smile.

Thanks, she said, a puzzled look crossing her face.You know, its the weirdest thing-Ive been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer.

Two hunters are roaming through the woods when all of a sudden one of them grabs his throat and dies. The other hunter calls 911 and tells the operator my friend just grabbed his throat and died! okay okay, calm down replied the operator go over to him fist and make sure that he is actually dead okay replies the hunter. The phone goes silent, than a sudden bang from a gun is heard. okay says the hunter now what?

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to Houston. And as she gave the agent her luggage, she made this remark, Id like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii, and my red suitcase to London.



The confused agent said, Im sorry, we cant to that.



Really??? I am so relieved to hear you say that because,… Thats exactly what you did to my luggage last year!

When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a
temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence
unit. One day a long memo came around with a cover sheet instructing all
assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance.
I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed, BUT a few days later, it
came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read: You are not
permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee.
Please erase your initials and initial your erasure.

I did.

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. Teen says, Grandpa, they didnt have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they? Grandpa replies, Nope. Teen says, Well, what did you guys use for safe sex? Grandpa replies, A wedding ring.

Sherlock Holmes y el Dr. Watson se fueron en un viaje de camping. Luego de una buena comida y una botella de vino se acostaron y se fueron a dormir. Algunas horas más tarde, Holmes se despierta y codea a su fiel amigo: Watson, mira el cielo y dime qué ves.

Watson contesta: Veo millones y millones de estrellas…

¿Y eso qué te dice?

Watson piensa por un minuto… Astronómicamente, me dice que hay millones de galaxias y potencialmente billones de planetas. Astrológicamente, veo que Saturno esta en Leo… Horológicamente, deduzco que son aproximadamente las tres y diez… Teológicamente, puedo ver que Dios es todopodero, que somos pequenos e insignificantes… Meteorológicamente, sospecho que tendremos un hermoso día mañana… ¿Y a usted que le dice?

Holmes calla por un minuto y luego dice, ¡Watson, eres un huevon! ¡Algún conchasumadre nos robó la carpa!

Estaba Pepito en plena Revolución al lado de Carranza y Zapata. En ese tiempo ya no había que comer y pues ya era justo ingerir algo.

Entonces, a Carranza se le ocurre una idea:

Viendo la situación y como ya no que comer, pues nos tendremos que comer a los humanos; para empezar, yo como soy Carranza, me toca la panza.

Y yo como soy Zapata, me como la pata.

Pues yo como soy Pepito… ¡Ya no tengo hambre!

A blonde, brunette and a redhead had a breaststroke swimming race across the English Channel. The brunette came in first, the redhead came in second and the blonde never finished. When the blonde got in the lifeboat she said, I dont want to be a tattletale or anything, but the other two used their arms.

Staten Island contractor, Procofacio Unscrupulata, age 62, of 69 Grotto Boulevard, South Beach, died yesterday from injuries received in the collapse of a building he was inspecting prior to sale at a public auction.

Born in Monte Marrona, Sicily, Unscrupulata was brought into this country at the age of 11 by his parents, Regurgito and Nauseatta Unscrupulata. Prior to his untimely demise, Unscrupulata was the president of the Negligenta Construction Company, which he founded with his late brother, Devio. Before his association with the Negligenta Construction Company, Unscrupulata worked for the Profuso Cesspool Cleaning and Catering Company. He is survived by his wife, Inconsolata: their sons, Retardo, Cretio and Imbecillio; daughters Ovaria, Fallopia, and Clitoria: two sisters, Mrs. Hysteria Psicosi and Mrs. Mammaria Pendulosa: a half-brother, Prolifico Fornicata and 14 grandchildren, all of the Grotto Boulevard address.

Active for many years in community affairs, Unscrupulata was also a member of the Sons of Sicily Sharpshooters Society, the Il Duce Theology and Boccee Club, Insanisortos Pizzeria Bowling League, and past president of the South Beach Pink Flamingo Lawn and Garden Alliance. Until recently he appeared also in local carnivals performing his never-to-be-forgotten knife throwing act with the late Inadverto Castrato.

The Very Reverend Celibata Unfortunato of the St. Bastardo Church will offer a Solemn High Requiem Bingo game on Wednesday. Interment will be at the Arriverderci Roma Memorial Park.

Funeral arrangements will be handled by the Rigori-Mortisio Funeral Parlor and Excavating Company.

In the event that strange panel trucks are seen in the vicinity of the cemetery, guests are advised to bring large hankerchiefs, dark glasses and large hats. In lieu of flowers, envelopes will be collected by the deceaseds friend of long standing, Miss Amicobilata Clandestino, at whose beach house the party will be held.

Why did the blonde sell her vibrator?

She kept chipping her teeth!