Old and New Jokes

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandits head, and said, Youre under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or Ill blow your brains out.

But the bandit didnt speak English, and the Ranger didnt speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Rangers message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

What did he say? asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, He said Get lost, you turkey. You wouldnt dare shoot me.

Q: Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?

A: So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Having a no smoking section in a restaurant is like having a no peeing
section in a swimming pool.

Three guys and a lady were sitting at a bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says, Im a YUP… you know… Young, Urban, Professional.

The second guy says, Im a DINK… you know… Double Income, No Kids.

The third guy says, Im a RUB… you know… Rich, Urban, Biker.

They turn to the woman and ask her, What are you?

She replies, Im a WIFE… you know… Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

Newsreader, BBC Radio 4: Working mothers are the backbone of the third half of the economy.

Glenda Jackson, Channel 4 TV: Theres nothing athletes like – or indeed hate – more than hanging around like this. – David Coleman, BBC 1 TV

Not being in the Rumbelows Cup for those teams wont mean a row of beans, cos thats only small potatoes. – Ian St John, ITV

Oldham are leading 1-0, a well deserved victory at this stage of the game. – Tommy Docherty, Picadilly Radio

Brian Johnson, BBC Radio 3: We dont appear to have Jim Fish on the line at the moment.

Are there any more great swimmers in the pipeline? – Cliff Morgan, BBC Radio 4

Andre Vandapole has four silver medals in cyclocross, and none of them gold. – Phil Liggott, Channel 4 TV

Well, I shall remember that catch for many a dying day.

What do tofu and dildos have in common?

Theyre both meat substitutes!

Un matrimonio está a punto de irse a la cama, cuando el marido aparece con un vaso de agua y un par de pastillas blancas. La esposa, intrigada, le pregunta:

Oye, ¿qué es eso?

Apirinas, para ti.

¡Pero, si no me duele la cabeza!

¡Ajá!

Las 7 etapas de la vida de los hombres estableciendo un parangón con volcanes mexicanos.

1.- de los 5 a los 12 años están como el Iztaccihuatl: Completamente dormido.

2.- De los 15 a los 20 como el Paricutín: En plena erupción.

3.- De los 20 a los 25 como el Popocatépetl: Todos quieren escalarlo.

4.- De los 25 a los 35 como el Nevado de Toluca: Frío, con poca nieve pero firme.

5.- De los 35 a los 45 como el Pico de Orizaba: A la mejor altura.

6.- De los 45 a los 60 como el Cerro del Tepeyac: Agotado con tantas visitas.

7.- De los 60 en adelante están como el Ajusco: Completamente dormido y destruido.

One day this husband and wife were driving along the highway. It was his birthday, and his wife decided to gove him a little peep show while he was driving. She decided to wear a dress with nothing underneath to make it more interesting. The man became so excited by his wifes behavior that he caused a five car pile-up on an exit ramp.

Their car was totalled. The husband was very badly hurt and unable to leave the car. The wife, though, was fine, but since her dress was caught on something, the only way she could get out was by taking it off, leaving her butt naked.

The husband needed her to go and get help, but couldnt have her parading around in the nude, so he gave her one of his shoes and told her to make good use of it. She placed it over her crotch, figuring that was best.

Just off of the offramp was a convenience store. She walked in, wearing nothing save her husbands shoe, and said to the man behind the counter, Please, sir, youve gotta help me. My husband and I had an accident and we need help getting him out.

The cashier looked at her and her shoe and replied, Well, honey, I dont know what to tell you. If hes already in *that* far, I dont think theres much I can do to help.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Janet!
Janet who!
Janetor in a drum!