Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A: A police lineup.

A young woman said to her doctor, You have to help me, I hurt all over.

What do you mean? said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, Ow, that hurts.

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, Ouch! That hurts, too.

Then she touched her right earlobe. Ow, even THAT hurts.

The doctor asked the woman, Are you a natural blonde?

Why yes, she said.

I thought so, said the doctor. You have a sprained finger.

El pretendiente acudió a la casa de su novia para pedir su mano:

¿Y a qué se dedica usted, joven? pregunta el padre de la chica.

Soy el encargado de mantenimiento responde con orgullo en la voz el aspirante.

¡Ah, qué bueno! se alegra el papá. Desde ahora le encargo que nos mantenga también a mi esposa y a mi.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didnt adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Goddamn cheap monkeys.

I didnt know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didnt work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didnt want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didnt go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasnt improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldnt take it either. I didnt bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didnt quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to become romantic again.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesnt fully appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name: What you call your child when youre mad at him.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though theyre sure youre not raising them right.

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Independent: What we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first babys pacifier by blowing on it.

Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

Men are like toilets — either theyre taken, or full of crap!

Love em or hate em, its Pun time. Puns, or groaners like some folks like to call them are fun. Try em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell them and be preapared for GROANS… then youll see why they are called so… enjoy and pass em on!

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

A mans home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimists blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me its just kiln time.

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating: always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldnt hack it, so they gave me the ax.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains dont like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, its a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, its an I for an I.

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so Id nod my head in agreement.

And what about the men? the minister asked.

They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.

Tell me, said the doctor, if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?

The inmate said, It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful.

Wonderful, said the psychiatrist.

Or else, continued the patient, I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people.

Definitely, said the psychiatrist.

Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution.

Another interesting possibility, agreed the doctor.

And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.

I dont think the leading feminist realized what she was saying when she told a reporter, As long as women are split like we are, men will remain on top.