Old and New Jokes

A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halleys Comet will be visible in this area, an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it.

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halleys Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years.

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halleys Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years.

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halleys comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the batallion area.

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues.

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

Imagine the trademarks:

Nike Condoms: – Just do It

Toyota Condoms: – Oh what a feeling

Ford Condoms: – The ride of your life

Sony Condoms: – Do not underestimate the power of Sony

Microsoft Condoms: – Where do you want to go today?

KFC Condoms: – Finger Licking Good

M&Ms Condoms: – Melt in your mouth, not in your hands

Coca-Cola Condom: – The Real Thing

Ever-Ready Condoms: – Keep going and going

Macintosh Condoms: – It does more, it costs less, its that simple

Pringles Condoms: – Once you pop, you cant stop

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jacks liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said, Oh Jack, give me a pint othe brandy.

Sister Mary Katherine, exclaimed Jack, I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!

Oh Jack, she responded, its only for the Mother Superior. Her voice dropped, It helps her constipation, you know. So Jack sold her the brandy.

Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering.

Jack pushed through and exclaimed, Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! and you told me this was for the Mother Superiors constipation!

Sister Mary Katherine didnt miss a beat as she replied, And so it is, me lad, so it is…When she sees me, shes gonna crap herself!

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one of them $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and stereo and gives them to the man. She says, I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much.

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 and reinvests the rest. She says, I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.The priest tells the sinner You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail Marys.Soon, another man enters the confessional. Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.This time the priest asks, Who is Fannie Green?A new woman in the neighbourhood, the sinner replies. Very well, says the priest. Go and say 10 Hail Marys. The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the mens eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down
in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits in with her legs slightly spread apart.The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, Is that Fannie Green?The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies No Father, I think its just the reflection from her shoes.

Q: How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle…

A blonde woman is driving a Porsche. She sees
another blonde woman with a Porsche that has
broken down on the side of the road. She stops to
ask whats wrong.

The owner of the broken Porsche
said, I just had a look under the hood, well,
while I was driving somebody had stolen the
engine.

The other said, Oh, dont wory, I have a spare
one in the back of my Porsche.

Estaban en una reunión de negocios un estadounidense, un japonés y un colombiano. Al poco de comenzar suena un pitido: piiiiip pip, pip, piiiiiip…, y el estadounidense salta:

Disculpadme, please. ¡Una teleconferencia digital desde Holanda! Debe ser my friend Johan Cruyff… Y saca una antena de su bolígrafo y se pone a charlar.

Continúa la reunión hasta que otro sonido la interrumpe: tututuiiii, tututuiii, tututuiii…, y el japonés se saca una funda de una muela, le despliega una antena y dice: Lo siento, es una comunicación multiconferencial para cerrar un acuerdo con la J&B. Será sólo un segundo.

Al finalizar el Japonés prosigue la reunión hasta que el colombiano se tira un tremendo peo: prrrrrrrrrr!!!!, ptrrrrrom!, prrrrrrrrrrrpr, PRRRTROMM!!!!!!!. Se quedan todos mirándole alucinados y suelta:

Perdonadme, ¿Tiene alguien papel? Es que me están poniendo un FAX…

One day a little girl saw 2 dogs jumping on each other. She ran to her mother and said, Mom, those dogs are fighting!

Her mother said with a sly grin, Oh really? Then maybe your father and I should fight more often…

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.



2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.



3. Twitch a lot.



4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.



5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.



6. Become a subgenius.



7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.



8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.



9. Speak in tongues.



10. Move you roommates personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.



11. Walk and talk backwards.



12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.



13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, Theyre more than meets the eye.



14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. The Road Warrior, Repo Man, Casablanca,) almost inaudibly.



15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).



16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.



17. Chain yourself to your roommates bed. Get him/her to bring you food.



18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.



19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in just for a couple of weeks.



20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.



21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.



22. Eat glass.



23. Smoke ballpoint pens.



24. Smile. All the time.



25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.



26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.



27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.



28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommates desk. Include a list of grievances.



29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.



30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.



31. Dye all your underwear lime green.



32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.



33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.



34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommates closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.



35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommates parents (postage due).



36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.



37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.



38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.



39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.



40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with Didja ever wonder why…. Be creative.



41. Shave one eyebrow.



42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter Gotta save space, twenty times while twitching violently.



43. Put horseradish in your shoes.



44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.



45. Always flush the toilet three times.



46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.



47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovics Pennsylvania Polka, and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that its an assignment for your primitive cultures class.



48. Give him/her an allowance.



49. Listen to radio static.



50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.



51. Speak into a walkie-talkie in truckerUs terms.



52. Divide the floor into an 8 X 8 grid. Arrange piles of laundry, books, pizza boxes, etc. on the glid and tell your roommate that youUve turned the room into a chess game and not to move any of the piles.



53. Cover one of the walls with polaroids of fire hydrants from all over the city. Tell your roommate that you think that you were a dog in a former life. Stare lovingly at the photos, and make frequent trips to the bathroom.



54. Get a small, battery-operated clock which ticks very loudly. Put it in a briefcase and put the briefcase next to your roommateUs bed.



55. Expound upon the importance of good personal hygiene. Wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask in the room.



56. Eat an entire bag of cheese curls at once. When you are finished, see how many times you can make orange fingerprints from all of the cheese junk left on your fingers.



57. Come home from class with a bucket of plaster of paris. Paint a section of the ceiling with it, and plaster your roommateUs underwear to the stuff. When your roommate comes in and comments, tell him/her, RSorry, I was doing your laundry, and I sneezed.S



58. Wear the most obnoxious orange hat that you can find. Convince you roommate and everybody else that if they do not wear an orange hat, they will be hit by stray bullets.



59. Point west at 3 AM every night and yell, RIt came from that way.S



60. Walk around in circles all the time. Complain that your turn signal is stuck.



61. Whenever your roommate is out, turn the volume on his stereo ALL THE WAY UP. When he turns on his stereo, complain hysterically about the noise and his lack of courtesy.