Old and New Jokes

Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None: The user can work it out.

An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for his monthly check up. During examination, the doctor asks how his nightly incontinence is.

Its fine, says the old man. I just get up and go to the bathroom, and God turns on the light for me.

The doctor finishes up the examination, and then calls in the daughter to tell her about the God-light thing.

Oh, my God! says the daughter.

Hes been using the fridge again!

This man was on his way back from the dock carrying two buckets of live fish when a game warden stoped him. He said,ok sir, I know you went over your limit, but not only that, its not even season. So the man began to explain, no officer, these are my pet fish. I keep them in a tank at my house and about twice a week I take to that lake, let them swim around for a while. Then I whistle and they come right back. The game warden did not believe him. So the man offered to show him. Once they got to the dock he dumped the fish in the water and waited a while. Then the warden asked, Arent you going to whistle for you fish? The man turns to him and says what fish?

Real Mothers . . .

Real Mothers dont eat quiche; they dont have time to makeit.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesnt come out of shag carpets.

Real Mothers dont want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask why me? and get their answer when a little voice says, because I love you best.

Real Mothers know that a childs growth is not measured by height or years or grade . . . It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.

Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?

A: More leg room.

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, Well, Im a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?

The doctor answered, Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, its difficult to describe pain.

I know, but cant you give me some idea?, she asks. Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…

Like this? A little more…

Like this? No. A little more…

Like this? Yes. Does that hurt? A little bit. Now stretch it over your head!

Two drunks were trying to figure out how to get some alcohol for free.

They only had a dollar in change between them. Ive got it, follow me. said the first man.

They went to a hot dog stand and bought a dog and threw away the bun. Well go into a bar and order drinks, and when the bartender asks for money, Ill unzip my fly and pull out the hot dog. You drop to your knees and pretend to suck me off.

The second man agrees to this and they start thier rounds.

When they get to the bar, they sit down and have a beer.

The bartender tells them, That will be 3 dollars.

The first man stands up and upzips his fly. The second man drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot-dog.

You faggots!, screams the bartender. Get the hell out of here!

They run out and go to another bar and order drinks and when the bartender asks for money, the first man unzips his fly, and the second man drops to his knees.

The bartender throws them out.

After the sixth bar the second man complains, Man this isnt working out so well, My knees are killing me!

You think youve had it bad.., the first man exclaims. I lost the hotdog 4 bars ago!

A short while ago, someone posted the annual scientific analysis of the Santa Claus story, which can be summed as as Santa Claus — he dead. Traumatized, I forwarded it one to my friend, Joe Beirne, who knows more about science than I do. He returned this rebuttal. As far as I can figure it, Santa lives. It is we that are an illusion.

heres the answer:

———- Forwarded message ———-

Date: Wed, 18 Dec 1996

From: Joe Beirne

To: Michael Pollak

Subject: Re: The scientific view of Santa

Santa is probably a creature entirely existant only in the 23rd dimension. Mass, velocity and time have no measurable effect on his efforts on Christmas. As a matter of fact, true-to-legend, in his sub-atomic world it is *always* Christmas. He has essentially forever to deliver the presents, which he unfolds to 4 dimensions using some kind of gravity well (?) (He probably does not live on the North Pole per se, but on one pole of a dipole quantum singularity from whence he focuses his present-sending.)
v
What we call reindeer are, I think, 3-dimensional shadows of 10-dimensional structures that act as transfer particles for the vast amounts of energy needed to re-integrate the toys at the macro-universe scale, and the sleigh is very likely a quantum confinement vessel that absorbs the shock-wave of re-integration when they come down the chimney.

Where do the presents come from, preserving the 2nd law of thermodynamics? They are the residue deposited by the negative entropy created by Santas faster-than-light communication with the good little children in this universe.

The anthropic principle (ie: the present universe has the physics it has only because there are 3 dimensional people here to observe it) is slightly wrong: This universe actually exists to keep the 23 dimensional Santa employed during the holidays.

Sincerely,

Mr. Know-it-All

PS. Santa delivers plenty of toys to Jews & other heathen, but they lack the kind of stubborn credulity required to buy this kind of story.

1. Thank you – were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean youre an artist.

3. I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just dont care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and inexperienced.

7. What am I – flypaper for freaks!?

8. Im not being rude. Im just ignoring you.

9. Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of calories to burn off.

12. Yes, he is an agent of Satan, but his duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. Im really easy to get along with once you people realize Im right.

16. Your idea seems reasonable… Time to up my medication.

17. Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.

18. Im out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…

19. I dont work here. Im a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I cant do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like Im doing nothing, but at the cellular level Im really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25. I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

You might be a redneck if every time you see a sign that says: “Just Say No To Crack,” it reminds you to pull up your pants.