Old and New Jokes

These two Scottish characters are chatting. One of them then pulls out an expensive looking pocket watch from his pocket to check the time. Thats a fine watch you got there! says the other. Yeah it is, isnt it? I got it from my grandfather. says the guy with the watch. Really? Yeah, he sold it to me on his death bed.

Now watch closely, because Im only going to do this once.

Yo mama so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.

Blonde secretarys memo to her boss:

TO: My Boss
FROM: Blondie
SUBJECT: Changing Calendars For Y2K

I hope that I havent misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all the company calendars for you. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

I also changed all the days of each week to:

Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak

We are now Y to K compliant.
Your loyal secretary!

The news last night of impending tax hikes gave me an inspiration. They
plan on raising the gas tax (per gallon) from 5 cents to 11 cents (on Jan 1
or Mar 1), and then to 21 cents on Jan 1 1991. We could have a tax revolt;
have everyone dress up as Exxon employees and dump gas into Boston Harbor.
Unfortunately, with the way the Harbor is, no one would notice.

A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.



The woman reporter shouted out This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!. Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, I bet you $50 that the mans gonna jump! The blonde responds back Thats a bet you have there!.



So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin, i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff.



And the blonde says Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that the man would do it again!

There is three men they were all on an island and a genie showed up , he said they would give each of them one wish. so the frist guy said that he wanted to be smarter so he turned into a blonde and swam to the other side. The next guy said he wanted to be smarter than the frist guy so he turned into a red head and built a boat & rowed to the other side. the third guy asked to be smarter than both guys. So he turned into a brunet & took the bridge.

A brunette walks into a bar and says, Gimme an M L. The bartender says, " Whats an M L? She says, A Miller Light.

Another Brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a B L. The bartender says, Whats a B L?" She says, Bud Light.

A dumb blonde walks in and says, Gimme a 15. The bar tender says, Whats a fifteen? She says, 7&7, duh!"

The five most constipated people in the Bible:

1. Cain-who wasnt able.

2. King Solomon-who sat on the throne for forty years.

3. King David-who neither Heaven nor Earth could move.

4. Moses-who took two tablets and went up into the mountains.

5. Noah-who spent 40 days and 40 nights on the ark and passed nothing but water.

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but Ive slept with dozens of them.

His wife looked at him calmly and said, Why do you think I gave you the poison?