Old and New Jokes

Q: How many classical music singers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None – Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal chords. Have the bassist do it.

Q: How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 1,500,000: To conquer a race than can climb ladders for them.

A teacher tells her class the new word for the day is Contagious, she asks the class if they could explain what the word means. She asks Joe if he can explain what the word means and he says, My Mom says to stay away from kids with chicken pox because they are contagious. The teacher says, That is very good Joe. Then she picks Suzie, who says, The atmosphere was Contagious. And the teacher says, Excellent Suzie. Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class, Yes Johnny, she says. Johnny says, The other day me and my Dad were sitting around and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little brush you use to paint model cars, and she was going in tiny little stokes up and down the fence. My Dad says to me, Jesus, its gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.

There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that
the head abbot decided one day to reward their devotion by granting
them each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their
activities to him at the end of the day.

So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to
indulge in all manner of sin.

The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak
upstairs to bed. But the head abbot, who was waiting up for the three,
stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.

No, head abbot, the first monk said, its too evil for me to admit!

The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you will
not receive absolution! said the abbot.

So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. I – I – I drank! And I
did all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties,
and I snorted coffee whitener….

Enough! said the head abbot, enraged. Those are evil sins, but I
promised to forgive you. Go out back, drink some Holy Water, say some
prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning.

The first monk thankfully went off to follow the abbots instructions.

The second monk wanders in at 2:00 AM. What did you do last night?
demanded the head abbot.

I cant say! Its much too evil!

The agreement was that you must tell me everything you did!

Okay, agreed the second monk. I had all manner of sex. I had sex
with young girls, young boys, small furry quadrupeds, large species of
flora, my CD player…

Enough! cried the head abbot. That is a truly great sin. But I
promised to give you absolution. Go out back and drink some Holy
Water. Then say some prayers and you will be forgiven in the morning.

The second monk sauntered off to do just that.

And the third and final monk crawls in at 3:00 in the morning.

What, asks the head abbot, did you do this evening?

No, head abbot, its too great a sin to admit. I cannot tell!

The agreement, monk! You must tell me!

The third monk bowed his head and nodded. All right, head abbot. Last
night I…I…

Yes?

I pissed in the Holy Water.

You might be a redneck if…

Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl.

You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When you looked in, one of the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the mirror, and was currently fighting with said chicken.

There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen. Particularly if they have if they have laid there long enough for the sun to bleach the paper on the shotgun shells.

Any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting fowl.

One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically unusable due to nesting fowl.

The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.

You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.

You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.

You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.

You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.

You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.

Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.

Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.

You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.

You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.

You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but dont use it because they wont come down your driveway to get it.

The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife…. and wave to her.

Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.

You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.

You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.

A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first one, This is for the shame, and then the second one, This is for the glory.

She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one, This is for the shame, and then the second one, This is for the glory.

She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops her, Maam, I was just wondering…whats this about shame and glory?

Well, she replies, I like to do my housework naked. But when I bent over to pick something up, my great dane mounted me from behind.

That must be the shame, the bartender said.

No, that was the glory. The shame is when we got locked up and he dragged me around the front yard for thirty minutes.

What did the apple say to the worm?
Youre boring me.

Va un domingo una mujer según dicen muy pero muy hermosa a la iglesia, ¿qué pasa? que la mujer iba desnuda de la cintura para arriba. Al entrar, el padre de la iglesia la detiene y le dice:

Disculpe, joven, pero no puede entrar así a la iglesia.

Ella le responde:

Pero ¿por qué?, yo tengo el derecho divino.

Y le reponde el padre:

Sí, y el izquierdo también, pero así no puede entrar.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big everything under one roof stores looking for a job. The manager asked, Do you have any sales experience?
The kid said, Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas.
The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did.
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.
How many sales did you make today?
The young man replied without hesitating, One.
The boss said, Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?
The kid said, $101,237.64.
The boss said, $101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!
the kid said, First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Blazer.
Amazed, the boss said, A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?
No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, Well, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.

One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.

The brunette says, Ive been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home.

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, Ive been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too.

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, My dear, whats the matter?

The blonde whimpers, I wish my friends were still here.