Old and New Jokes

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: It shouldnt take more than one person to do this task, regardless of hair color.

gavinfx@yahoo.com

En un lugar estaban una chica, un chico y Menem.

El chico se baja los pantalones y muestra el culo y dice: éste es como la Amazona: impenetrable.

La chica muestra las tetas y dice: éstas son como Estados Unidos: intocables.

Por último, el expresidente Menem muestra el pene y dice: éste es como la Argentina: nunca se levanta.

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. Well, says the personnel director, Youll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute.

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.

Also, says the director, You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course.

This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

Theres one last requirement, the director continues; you must be bilingual.

With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, Meow!

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender give us two beers over here!

The bartender walks over and sees the octopus and he says, Didnt you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!

The man says to the bartender, oh but you dont understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.

The bartender replied back, well Ill tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!

The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.

The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. Hes so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!

The bartender was amazed and says, alright lets try one more.

This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says lets see him play this!

The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.

The bartender shouted out See I knew he couldnt play all these instruments!

And the man replies, Just give him a few more minutes…

as soon as he figures out he cant have sex with it, hell play it!

Q: Why did the Priest go to Walmart?

A: He wanted to get boys pants half off!

What Woman Say vs. What Women Really Mean

CANT WE JUST BE FRIENDS? … really means, There is no way Im going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. … really means, without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?… really means, We havent had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZAS FINE…. really means, you cheap slob!

I JUST DONT WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. … really means, I just dont want YOU as a boyfriend now.

I DONT KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? … really means, I cant believe you have nothing planned!

COME HERE. … really means, My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT… really means, I dont like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU…. really means, just not in that way.

YOU NEVER LISTEN. … really means, You never listen.

WERE MOVING TOO QUICKLY. … really means, Im not going to stay over until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

ILL BE READY IN A MINUTE…. really means, Im ready, but Im going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, ILL PAY FOR MYSELF. … really means, Im just being nice; theres no way Im going Dutch.

IM JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. …. really means, Were gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
When people say Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too. Fucking right! What good is a cake if you cant eat it?
When people say its always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after youve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say while watching a film did you see that? No loser, I paid $8 to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.
People who ask Can I ask you a question? Didnt really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?
When something is new and improved! Which is it? If its new, then there has ever been anything before it. If its an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When people say life is short. What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do thats longer?
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks Has the bus come yet? If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Chuck!
Chuck who?
Chuck and see if the door is locked!

How to buy a stero1. Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. Multiply by a factor of 100.

2. The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably blinking and flashing in time with the music.

3. The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very cool.

4. The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, pre-menstrual-amp, post-amp, post-menopause-amp, etc.)

5. The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers and varieties of components pointed at the listener is important. (e.g. tweeters, hooters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, seismic noise generators, etc.)

6. The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft; the more knobs and dials you can turn, the better.

7. The system should have full remote control capability, including over the mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home.

8. Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the house.

9. Components should have a cool names; this means no department store brands.

10. The complete set-up should put a major recording studio or large radio station to shame. After all, you may be trying to duplicate the exciting feeling of being at a heavy metal concert in a football stadium with 70,000 screaming fans.

11. Having state-of-the-art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and should be disposed of promptly.

12. The most important factor–out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better.

G.W.Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid.

So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you. She calls Tony Blair in and asks, Tony, your parents had a baby. It isnt your sister and it isnt your brother. Who is it?



Tony Blair replies, Its me!



So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says, Dick, your parents had a baby. It isnt your sister and it isnt your brother. Who is it?



And Cheney says, Wow, thats a tough one. Let me get back to you.



So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, Colin, your parents had a baby. It isnt your sister and it isnt your brother. Who is it? And Colin Powell says, Its me!



So Cheney calls Bush and says, Its Colin Powell.



And Bush says, No, you idiot! Its Tony Blair!