Old and New Jokes

Monica has been receiving a lot of kidding about her weight. She
considered to have her love handles removed, but decided against it as she
might lose her hearing if they cut off her ears.

So I responded by saying Im not an ugly loser, but you might ask the guy behind the mirror that same question.

When VW Rabbits first came out, they still had a lot of bugs in them.

En el convento del pueblo estaba como interna una monjita que era demasiado grosera; siempre que estaban platicando con sus compañeras de cualquier cosa ella decia muchas groserías. Las demás ya estaban cansadas de ella y en una platica que tuvieron llegaron a la conclusión de que cuando la monja grosera dijera una de sus groserías la dejarían sola en el lugar en que estuvieran.

En una ocasión estaban platicando de la guerra y sus consecuencias, y una de ellas dijo:

Si yo pudiera mandaría un camión lleno de alimentos para toda esa pobre gente que no tiene que comer.

Otra dijo:

Si yo pudiera mandaría un camión lleno de medicinas para los pobres enfermos.

Y en eso dice la monja grosera:

Si yo pudiera mandaría un camión lleno de putas para todos esos cabrones.

Y de repente todas las monjas se paran de sus lugares y se dirigen a la puerta y la monja grosera les dice:

¡ESPERENSE, PENDEJAS TODAVIA NO LLEGA EL CAMION!

Computer novices may feel like theyre alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBMs help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PCs serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, I see you have an Aptiva desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said shed be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe.

A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as hibernate. Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.



Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.



A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer – the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace – was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a window to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.

A few childrens books that didnt make the cut:



1. You Are Different and Thats Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dads New Wife Robert

4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book

6. The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

8. All Cats Go to Hell

9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

10. Some Kittens Can Fly

11. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

12. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way

13. Pop! Goes The Hamster…And Other Great Microwave Games

14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School

15. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50
chance of getting something right, theres a 90%
probability youll get it wrong.

A small town farmer had three daughters. Being a single father, he
tended to be a little over-protective of his daughters. When gentlemen
came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them with
a shotgun to make sure they knew who was boss.

One evening, all of his daughters were going out on dates.

The doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door.
A gentleman said,

Hi, Im Joe,
Im here for Flo,
Were goin to the show,
is she ready to go?

The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.

The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door.
A gentlemen said,

Hi, Im Eddie,
Im here for Jenny,
We gettin spaghetti,
is she ready?

The farmer frowned but decided to let them go.

The doorbell rang again, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door.
A gentlement said,

Hi, Im Chuck,

And the farmer shot him.

A little girl asked her mom, Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? Mom replies, No, because shes in heat. What does that mean? asked the child. Go ask your father, I think hes in the garage.The little girl goes to the garage and says, Dad, may I take Fluffy for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you!Dad said, Bring Fluffs over here. He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dogs backside with it and said, Okay, you can go now, but keep Fluffy on the leash and only go one time around the block!The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash!Surprised, Dad asked, Wheres Fluffy?The little girl said, She ran out of gas about half-way down the block, so another dog is pushing her home!

My Uncle Charles, whos 89 years of age, goes to a Catholic church and goes to confession.

He says, Father, Im 89 years old and Im having an affair with a 25 year old girl.

The Priest asks him how long since his last confession.

Charles says Ive never been to confession, Im Jewish.

The Priest says, so why are you telling me this?


Charles says Im telling everyone.