There once was this guy who walked into a bar and ordered a counter-lunch. When his meal arrived he noticed a pile of peas on his plate. The man stares at them for a moment and than proceeds to tell the barman, Gee, I havent had a pea in forty years.
The barman then yells to the entire pub, Quick, anyone who cant swim grab a chair!
Two guys are out in the woods hiking.
All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them.
The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, What are you doing? He says, I figure when the bear gets too close, well have to jump down and make a run for it.
The second guy says, Are you crazy? You cant outrun a bear…
The first guy says, I dont have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you…
One Polish surgeon asks another: How did that appendectomy go?
Appendectomy? shrieks the other. I though it was an autopsy!
She thought it was a map
Question: Where do you see blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde…
Answer: A naked blonde doing cartwheels!
One Friday afternoon, a gradeschool teacher announced she would allow kids to take Monday off from school if that student could tell her who she was quoting. Her first quote was Who said, I have a dream.? A little black kid raised his hand.
The Reverand Martin Luther King said that, Billy answered.
Very good, Billy, the teacher said, you can take Monday off.
From the back of the classroom, she hears someone say Fuckin nigger!
Who said that? she angrily demands.
From the same student she hears Mark Fuhrman. See ya Tuesday, Teach.
Two baseball players promised each other. If one of them died frist he will come back as a ghost to tell if there was baseball in heaven. So one of them dies and comes back as a ghost and says, I have some good news and some bad news. Then the other persom says,tell me. so he says,The good news is there is baseball in heaven but the bad news is that your pitching tomorrow.
A man and his friend walks into a bar one saturday night, And the man gets totally drunk. The man starts arguing Yeah Right!. Everybody in the bar keeps on hearing him yell No Way! and finally his friend walks up to him and says Whats the fucks your problem?
. The man replies Well, this little guy here keeps on saying some guy named George W. Bush is the president!. So then the friend replies:
OK, first of all, Geroge W. Bush is the President, and second of all, your talking to a stool.
Yo mama is so fat that Jackie Chan couldnt go around her in 80 days.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ginastera!
Ginastera who!
Ginastera at the people!