Old and New Jokes

Why dont you slip into something comfortable. . .like a coma.

If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

A challenge for a joke on Pithecanthropus met with a suitably lame response:

Brad the caveman was wandering around the steamy jungle when he was attacked by a sabertooth tiger.

During the tussle they both fell into a hole dug by Brads tribe, who were the first ever humans to try this method of catching animals for food. The tribe hearing the noise of the fight raced to the hole, which they called a Pit and were joined by another tribe, who were still using the throw-stones at the animal method.

The Headman from this latter tribe couldnt work out what was going on and looking down thought that Brad must be a new type of man. The Headman grunted nggh mfguk wolhj (or What him be?).

At that moment Brad got the upper hand on the largest member of the cat family and lifting the big pussy up flung it out of the pit.

The Headman of Brads tribe arrived and asked what had happened to which one of his tribe pointed at the hole and said Pit! and then pointing at Brad said He can throw pus. and points at the tiger lying stunned by the side of the hole.

The first Headman believing this to be the answer to his question walked away knowing that Brad was the first Pithecanthropus.

How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a light bulb?

The answer is 7.

(1) one to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced;

(2) one to attack and question the patriotism of anyone who has questions about the light bulb;

(3) one to blame the previous administration for the need of a new light bulb;

(4) one to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

(5) one to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a light bulb;

(6) one to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag;

(7) and finally one to explain to Bush the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.

An elderly woman went into the doctors office. When the doctor asked why she
was there, she replied, Id like to have some birth control pills. Taken
aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, Excuse me, Mrs. Smith,
but youre 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control
pills? The woman responded, They help me sleep better. The doctor thought
some more and continued, How in the world do birth control pills help you to
sleep? The woman said, I put them in my granddaughters orange juice and I
sleep better at night.

Heard on hospital rounds.

As part of a seminar I recently attended on stress in the workplace,
I was given a packet which included a family stress test. Our family found
that all of the questions fell into what we considered the wuss category,
and generated our own family stress test:
Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if
it is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

Conversations often begin with Put the gun down, and then we can talk.
The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
The cat is on Valium.
People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
Family meetings are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
You have to check your kids day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Scoring:

30A perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!
20 – 29You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little
going on in your life. Crank it up.
10 – 19You have mastered some of the aspects of the
stress-filled life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered
a parallel career path?
0 – 9Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do
anyway?

Theres never been a macho Acapulco Man advertising campaign.
You dont see groups of stoners huddled around office building doorways in the rain.
No toothpastes are available to get rid of embarassing THC stains on your teeth.
The Spliffs Annual Tennis Classic didnt happen this year.
There are no Senators who identify themselves as being from marijuana states.
No drug kingpin (or other CEO) has lied before Congress about the addictiveness of marijuana.
Uh … wow, what was the question again?
Clinton has definitely inhaled tobacco.
Youll never, ever find the end of a marijuana cigarette on a sidewalk or in a public toilet.

… and the Number One difference between marijuana and tobacco:

Five years imprisonment and a $50,000 dollar fine!

Q: Why did God give blondes one more brain cell than horses?

A: So they dont poop in the parade.

your momma is so stupid when you were born she said look it comes with cable