Old and New Jokes

Why did the blonde have empty beer cans in her fridge? For people who dont drink.

Jerry298@austin.relay.ucm.org swears this really happened to him…

OK. Here goes. I was 17, and had mentioned to my father that I was thinking
of buying a rubber boat for use as a scuba platform. My father managed to
get me one from the F.A.A. where he worked. (Dont ask, I never did).

What he brought me was one of those Air Force survival rafts that they issue
to bomber crews with up to 10 men. I couldnt wait to test it, so I called
Jason, and told him to come on over. I took the back seat out of my VW bug,
and laid the seat back down. This makes a VW bug kind of like a hatch back
without the hatch. Jason got over to my place, just as our girlfriends showed
up. They had come over to see if we wanted to go swimming. I crammed the
raft, and both girls in the back of the VW (it was really tight), and Jason
in the passenger seat up front, and took off.

I got onto IH35 in Oklahoma
City to head for one of the area lakes. The windows were down and the hot
August wind was roaring through the car like a minor hurricane. My girlfriend
started complaining about the wind, and a little red tag that kept getting
tangled in her hair. I told her not to mess with the tag, but she got mad and
gave it a good hard yank, intending to throw it out the window.

Can you guess
what that little red tag was for? Yep, that damned raft started to inflate
right there in the VW! It takes about 15 seconds for one of those things to
inflate, and for the first 5 seconds or so I was frozen with something of a
mixture fear, amazement, and a sense of this really cant be happening!
In the 6th second the raft started pushing my head down against the steering
wheel hard enough that I couldnt really see where I was going, and started
pushing the windows that werent down out of their frames, and onto the road.
By the time I got my wits back, the raft was fully inflated.

I managed to push my head up enough to see where I was going, and hopefully
avoid creaming anyone else on the road. By this time the real chaos had
started. The girls were screaming their fool heads off, Jason was laughing
like an idiot, and the Oklahoma Highway Patrolman that had been following me
when all this started had turned on his siren.

I finally got the car to the
center median, and stopped. I got hold of the door handle to open the door
and pulled. The door shot open, and the raft exploded out of the car pushing
me ahead of it. When I got to my feet, the first thing I saw was the OHP cop
laughing so hard he had tears running down his cheeks, and having a hard time
breathing.

I managed to get the deflate mechanism activated and the raft
started to deflate. By this time the cop was breathing again and somewhat
coherent. He came over and told me that was the funniest thing he had ever
seen. I asked if I was going to get a ticket? He said no, he just wanted to
make sure no one got hurt. We folded the raft as best we could and went back
to my place. The real fun was trying to convince my insurance company that
all that glass damage really was because a life raft had inflated inside the
car. They did payoff, but only after the insurance adjuster had talked to the
OHP cop. I can look back on this now and laugh. But for about 5 years after
that happened, anytime someone (Jason usually) mentioned it, all I could do
was turn red in the face.

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?

Ilene

What do you call a Chinese girl with one leg shorter than the other?

Irene

On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military.

March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born.



That clears up a lot of things.

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.



Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.



Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bobs warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.



The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.



Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.



He wanted something for his cough but I couldnt find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once John explained.



Ex-Lax wont cure a cough! Bob shouted angrily.



Sure it will John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.

Just look at him. Hes afraid to cough!

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you  noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up aluminium . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.

2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isnt that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for shit

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Why did the blonde run out of shampoo? She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!

This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he shows up in a limo, and hes sitting in the doctors office in a rented tuxedo with black tie.

The doctor says, Ive done a lot of these, but Ive never seen a limo and tuxedo before. Whats the story?

To which the fellow responds, If Im gonna BE im-potent, Im gonna LOOK im-potent!

Las tres formas de hacer el amor dentro de casa:

1) Por toda la casa – Típico de recién casados, hacen el sexo en la cocina, en el baño, en la sala, etc.

2) En la recámara – Típico de matrimonios que han estado juntos algún tiempo, hacen el sexo solamente en la recámara.

3) En los pasillos – Típico de matrimonios que han convivido por mucho tiempo. Normalmente se encuentran en los pasillos y se dicen uno al otro: ¡Jódete!

Halls Laws of Politics: 1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed. 3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending, and conservatives social spending in their own districts).