Old and New Jokes

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky

We dont want to leave clues like Kaczynski,

Since you look such a mess,

Use the hem of your dress

And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named Juan.

Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds…

But they are twins and if youve seen Juan youve seen Amal.

Una mujer se queja ante el médico porque hace días que su marido no le hace nada.

Justo en ese momento, señora, se están probando unas gotas para devolver las ganas, úselas con su marido y regrese a contarme.

Al día siguiente, la mujer vuelve con el galeno con una cara que no se sabía si era de alegría o de desconsuelo.

¿Cómo le fue, señora?

Pues no sé, doctor, permítame explicarle: estaba cenando con mi marido y en el momento en que él se levantó de la mesa yo le eché las gotas en su bebida. Cuando regresó, se tomó un sólo trago de su bebida y, exactamente a los cinco minutos, se levantó de la mesa, botó todo al suelo, me puso sobre la mesa y….

Pero, ¿entonces qué pasa, no era eso lo que usted quería?

Sí, pero no en un restaurante.

A bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, We will all die some day, and none of us really knows when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event. Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment.
Then the leader said to the group, What would you do if you knew you only had four weeks of life remaining before your death?

A gentleman said, I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lifes.

Very good! said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.

That is wonderful! the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the four weeks.

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader asked, Why your mother-in-laws home?

Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, Because that would be the longest four weeks of my life!

You cut a hole in the ice, and put a bunch of peas near it. So that way when the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

Whats a mans worst nightmare?

1) The Super Bowl is pre-empted by a soap opera. 2) His wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to. 3) A female boss. 4) He has to ask his wife for money.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

You dont have to be insane to be a liberal,… but it helps.

Honey, I Shrunk My Penis

Its the Great Penis, Charlie Brown

Stop, or My Penis Will Shoot

Boy, Did I Get a Wrong Penis

Whos Harry Penis

Not With My Penis, You Dont

Tell them Penis Boy is Here

The Penises are Coming, The Penises are Coming

Penn and Teller Get Penis

Big Penis for the Little Lady

Pardon Mon Penis

On Hers Majestys Secret Penis

Mr. Mikes Mondo Peniso

The Man With Bogarts Penis

The Man with one Red Penis

The Tall Blond Man With One Black Penis

Mr. Blandings Builds His Dream Penis

Love With the Proper Penis

George Carlin— Playin with Your Penis

To Wong Foo, Thanks For Penis, Julie Newmar

Can I Do it til I Need Penis?

Penishead Revisited

Big Girls Dont Cry..They Get Penis

The Favor, the Watch, and the Very Big Penis

JoJo Dancer, Your Penis is Calling

The Last Action Penis

Die Hard with a Penis

A Hard Penis Night

Hard Penis to Hawaii

Seven Brides for Seven Penises

A Clear and Present Penis

The Englishman who Went up a Penis and Came

Au Revior, Le Penis

Long Days Penis into Night

Quackser Fortune has a Penis in the Bronx

Looking for Mr. Goodpenis

Bring me the Penis of Alfredo Garcia

Penis on a Hot Tin Roof

Alan Quartermain and the Lost Penis of Gold

Willy Wonka and the Penis Factory

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Penis

Winnie the Pooh and Penis, Too

Penis in a Girls Dormitory

Manos, The Penis of Fate

Under the Cherry Penis

A Penis Grows in Brooklyn

The Unbearable Lightness of Penis

The Long, Hot Penis

Revenge of the Pink Penis

Promise her Penis

The Penis Always Rings Twice

Big Penis Pee-Wee

Big Penis in Little China

Peggy Sue Got Penis

Penis Beach Party

Ferris Buellers Penis Off

On a Clear Day, You Can See Penis

An Officer and a Penis

One Penis in the Life of Ivan Denisovich

Oh Penis, Poor Penis, Mammas Hung You in the Closet and Im Feeling so Sad

The Night the Penis Went Out in Georgia

Night of the Living Penis

The Penis that Roared

Much Ado About Penis

My Dinner With Penis

My Favorite Penis

The Muppets Take Penis

The Milagro Penis War

The Penis Who Loved Cat Dancing

The Man Who Loved Cat Penis

The Penis Who Had Power over Women

The Penis They Could not Hang

The Man who Loved Penis

The Discreet Penis of the Bourgeoisie

The Penis of the Finzi-Continis

Extraordinary Adventures of Mr Penis in the Land of the Bolsheviks

Lets Penis Jessica to Death

I Was a Penis for the FBI

The Penis is a Lonely Hunter

The Greatest Penis on Earth

The Penis According to St. Matthew

Gentlemen Prefer Penis

Edward Penishands

Dont Raise the Penis, Lower the Water

The Day the Penis Stood Still

The Cook, the Thief, His Penis, and Her Lover

Children Shouldnt Play with Dead Penises

Blame it on Penis

Attack of the 50 Foot Penis