Old and New Jokes

There was a small child who (being a very well behaved child) would say her prayers before going to bed ad night. One particular night, her mother overheard the prayers. God bless mummy, God bless daddy, God bless my brother Billy and may Rufus rest in peace. The mother was confused because the family dog was alive and well but thought little of it. The next day, the family arose to find Rufus stone dead on the kitchen floor.

That evening, the mother listened again. God bless mummy, God bless daddy and may Billy rest in peace. This time the mother was distressed. After several hours consulting with her husband, however, she had been convinced that Billy would be all right – so she went to bed. Sure enough, the next morning, Billy was found, dead as a doorknob.

After a somewhat traumatic day, the child prepared to go to bed. This time both parents listened. God bless mummy and may daddy rest in peace. The parents were frantic. The father spent the entire evening watching carefully that nothing could happen to him – while the mother spent the evening interrogating the child in a vain attempt to glean some more information. Time passed and when the sun rose, nothing had happened.

Feeling much relieved, the father prepared himself for work. He dressed confidently and ate his breakfast safe in the knowledge that he had beaten this thing. Just as he was leaving for work, he opened the door and found the corpse of the milkman lying on his doorstep.

A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub…She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

Are you the manager? she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.Actually, no, he replied.Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him, she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.Im afraid I cant, breathed the bartender. Is there anything I can do?Yes. I need for you to give him a message, she continued, running her forefinger across the bartenders lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.What should I tell him? the bartender managed to say.Tell him, she whispered, theres no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

The man said this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?

The pharmacist said Just a minute, Ill go talk to my sister.

When she returned, she said, the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues.

In a couple of days Mr. Steinbergs physician comes into his room and says,

Sol, Im happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. Were going to send you home tomorrow. You dont have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like.

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife:

Doris, youll never believe it: Im completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like youve never had before, wild, passionate sex… youll love it!

Doris thinks for a minute and says,

I dont know, Sol. Ive heard about active sex and heart conditions. I dont want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK…maybe I would have such sex with you…

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctors office; his doctor tells him: Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, Ill write the note. Lets see, heres my prescription pad:

Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz… Now, Ill just address this… By the way, Sol, whats your wifes first name?

Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, To Whom It May Concern?

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
A: Your honor.

Q: What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?
A: Use all three bullets on the lawyer.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
a: His lips are moving.

Q: What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road?
A: The vultures will eat the skunk.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a skunk?
A: Nobody wants to hit a skunk.

Q: Why wont vultures eat dead lawyers?
A: There are some things that would gag even a vulture.

Im going fishing.

Really means… Im going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

Lets take your car.

Really means…. Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas.



Woman driver.

Really means…. Someone who doesnt speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me.



I dont care what color you paint the kitchen.

Really means…. As long as its not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.



Its a guy thing.

Really means…. There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.



Can I help with dinner?

Really means…. Why isnt it already on the table?



Uh huh, Sure, honey, or Yes, dear.

Really mean…. Absolutely nothing. Its a conditioned response like Pavlovs dog drooling.



Good idea.

Really means…. Itll never work. And Ill spend the rest of the day gloating.



Have you lost weight?

Really means…. Ive just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.



My wife doesnt understand me.

Really means…. Shes heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.



It would take too long to explain.

Really means…. I have no idea how it works.



Im getting more exercise lately.

Really means…. The batteries in the remote are dead.



I got a lot done.

Really means…. I found Waldo in almost every picture.



Were going to be late.

Really means…. Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.



Hey, Ive read all the classics.

Really means…. Ive been subscribing to Playboy since 1972.



You cook just like my mother used to.

Really means…. She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.



I was listening to you. Its just that I have things on my mind.

Really means…. I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra.



Take a break, honey, youre working too hard.

Really means…. I cant hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.



Thats interesting, dear.

Really means…. Are you still talking?



Honey, we dont need material things to prove our love.

Really means…. I forgot our anniversary again.



You expect too much of me.

Really means…. You want me to stay awake.



Its a really good movie.

Really means…. Its got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear.



Thats womens work.

Really means…. Its difficult, dirty, and thankless.



Will you marry me?

Really means…. Both my roommates have moved out, I cant find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.



You know how bad my memory is.

Really means…. I remember the theme song to F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car Ive ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.



I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.

Really means…. The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.



Football is a mans game.

Really means…. Women are generally too smart to play it.



Oh, dont fuss. I just cut myself, its no big deal.

Really means…. I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit Im hurt.



I do help around the house.

Really means…. I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.



Hey, Ive got my reasons for what Im doing.

Really means…. And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.



I cant find it.

Really means…. It didnt fall into my outstretched hands, so Im completely clueless.



But I hate to go shopping.

Really means…. Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.



Im going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.

Really means…. I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions.



I heard you.

Really means…. I havent the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you dont spend the next 3 days yelling at me.



You know I could never love anyone else.

Really means…. I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.



You look terrific.

Really means…. Oh, God, please dont try on one more outfit. Im starving.



I brought you a present.

Really means…. It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.



I missed you.

Really means…. I cant find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.



Im not lost. I know exactly where we are.

Really means…. No one will ever see us alive again.



We share the housework.

Really means…. I make the messes, she cleans them up.



This relationship is getting too serious.

Really means…. I like you more than my truck.



I recycle.

Really means…. We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.



Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.

Really means…. Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?



It sure snowed last night.

Really means…. I suppose youre going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.



Its good beer.

Really means…. It was on sale.



I dont need to read the instructions.

Really means….I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.



Ill fix the garbage disposal later.

Really means….If I wait long enough youll get frustrated and buy a new one.



Ill take you to a fancy restaurant.

Really means….Someplace that doesnt have a drive-thru window.



I broke up with her.

Really means…. She dumped me.

I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music teachers. Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the security-check conveyor belt.

The guards eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches.

Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area. A metronome, I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment.

Its a talking metronome, I insisted. Look, Ill show you.

I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked, One … two … three … four, it said.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, Arent you glad it didnt go four … three … two … one …?
-from Readers Digest, November 1995

(contributed by Marcia L. Caldwell)

Why Steve, youre so depressed today, whats the matter?

Ah, well, I have had a quarrel with my mother-in-law. She swore to me she wouldnt talk to me for a month!!

Then so bad about it? You should celebrate the event!!

No, no, see…that was four weeks ago, and today is the last day…

a man and his wife stopped in at a bar,sat down on a stool beside this guy,after a while this man let go with a sizzler the man with his wife ask,did you fart fore my wife,the man replied,didnt know it was her turn.

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florists daughter came up and gave her teacher a box. The teacher said, “ll bet these are flowers!” The girl replied, “How did you know? “Just a lucky guess,” she said.
Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy. When the boy asked how she knew, she again said, “Just a lucky guess.”
Finally, a boy whose father owned a liquor store came up and gave the teacher a box, but one of the boxs corners was damp from a leak. The teacher asked the boy if it was wine. The boy said, “No.” She touched the leak and put it to her tongue and asked if it was champagne. The boy again said no. Finally, she gave up and asked him what was in the box. He said happily, “A puppy!”