18
Dec

Cada ao, un Rab Judo,

Cada año, un Rabí Judío, después de la Semana Santa se presentaba ante el Papa y le entregaba un sobre sellado viejísimo y amarillo. El Papa lo cogía, lo veía y se lo entregaba de nuevo al Rabí. Esto había tenido lugar por casi 2,000 años.

Pero sucedió que un día había sido ordenado un Papa nuevo, y el Rabí encargado de venir desde Israel a presentar el sobre, también era nuevo. Así que al tomar lugar el acto dijo el Papa:

¿Qué clase de ceremonia es ésta?, tengo entendido que ha sido observada por casi 2,000 años, y no sé su significado.

¡Ni yo! Es nuestra costumbre enviar a alguien cada año por estas fechas con este sobre al Vaticano.

Abramos ese viejo sobre a ver que contiene.

El Rabí lo abre, lo lee y exclama: ¡Increíble! ¡es el cobro por los víveres consumidos en la Última Cena!

18
Dec

Una madre tena 3 hijas.

Una madre tenía 3 hijas. Ante el casamiento de cada una de ellas, la madre les pedía que en la noche de bodas le enviaran un mensaje sobre cómo iba el matrimonio y su luna de miel.

Se casó la primera, y 2 días después llegó una carta que sólo decía: Champú Sintrox.

En principio la madre no entendió pero, leyendo una revista, vio un slogan que decía: Champú Sintrox, satisfacción hasta la última gota. Y la madre se quedó tranquila.

Al casarse la segunda hija, a la semana la madre recibió una carta que decía: Rothmans.

Al ver el aviso de Rothmans, su slogan era: King size, el tamaño ideal. Y la madre pudo relajarse.

Finalmente se casó la tercera. Y tardó 4 semanas en escribir.

La carta decía: British Airways.

La madre estaba desconcertada. Pero al fin encontró un aviso, donde decía:

British Airways: ¡2 veces al día, los 7 días de la semana, en ambas direcciones!

18
Dec

Good Idea

What do you call a deer with 20/20 vision?

Good-eye deer

18
Dec

Your momma is so fat….

Your momma is so fat, when she stood in the scale to get weighed it read –

(one at a time please!!!!!!)

17
Dec

How To Shower like a …

Like A Woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how youre getting fat.
Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
Turn off shower.
Squeegy off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

Like A Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your dick in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.
Get in the shower.
Dont bother to look for a washcloth. (you dont use one)
Wash your face
Wash your armpits
Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
Wash your privates and surrounding area.
Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.
Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.
Partial dry off.
Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire dick size.Ž
Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
Leave bathroom and fan light on.
Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your dick, go Yeah baby and thrust your pelvis at her.
Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

17
Dec

Forest Gump

A blonde dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter."Welcome!" he says. "Because we are currently operating at 99% capacity, we can only let a limited number of souls into heaven. Therefore, you must answer my questions correctly to gain entrance.""Okay," says the blonde."Heres your question: name two days of the week that begin with the letter T.""Thats easy. Today and tomorrow!""Well, thats not the answer I was thinking of, but Ill give you another question. How many seconds are there in a year?""Thats easy. Twelve!""Twelve?""January second, February second, March second–""Okay, okay. I can see you misunderstood this question as well. Okay, one more chance. Whats Gods name?""Thats easy. Howard!""Howard?""You know — Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name…"

17
Dec

Car needs a fixin!

My wife came home yesterday and said, Honey, the car wont start, but I know what the problem is.

I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.

I thought for a moment, then said, You know I dont mean this badly, but you dont know the carburetor from the accelerator.

No, theres definitely water in the carburetor she insisted.

OK, Honey, thats fine, Ill just go take a look. Where is it?

In the lake!

17
Dec

What Men and Women Say and What They Mean

What women say and what they mean

Cant we just be friends? = There is no way in hell I am going to let any part
of his body touch any part of mine, again.

I just need some space = without you in it.

Do I look fat in this dress? = We havent had a fight in a while.

No, pizzas fine = Cheap bastard!

I just do not want a boyfriend now = I just dont want YOU as a boyfriend now.

I dont know; what do you want to do? = I cant believe that you have nothing
planned.

I like you, but = I dont like you.

You never listen = You never listen.

Were moving too quickly = I am not going to sleep with you until I find out if
this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.

Ill be ready in a minute = I AM ready, but I am going to make you wait because
I know you will.

Oh, no, I will pay for myself = I am just being nice; there is no way I am going
dutch.

Im just going out with the girls = We are gonna get sloppy and make fun of you
and your friends.

Theres no one else = I am doing your brother.

Size doesnt matter = unless I want an orgasm.

What men say and what they mean

Im hungry = Im hungry.

Im sleepy = Im sleepy.

Im tired = Im tired.

Ive gotta pee = Get out of the way.

Ive gotta GO = Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

Can I call you sometime? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

Do you want to go to a movie? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I get your coat? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

Let me get your door. = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice Tits!

You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.

Whats wrong? = I dont see why are you making such a big deal out of this.

Whats wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you
going through now?

Whats wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

Im bored. = Do you want to have sex?

I love you. = Lets have sex now.

I love you too. = Okay, I said it…wed better have sex now!

Good morning. = That was great sex……lets have more!

See you later. = That was great sex……lets have more!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesnt look that much
different!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = For $50 they should have GIVEN you
hair!

Lets talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and
maybe then youd like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other
guys.

Will you marry me? = I might as well get tax benefits for going through these
talks

While shopping

Yes, that ones nice = Why do you ask when you arent going to listen anyway?

That one looks great on you = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!

I like that one better. = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!

Uh huh = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!

I dont think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.

It makes you look fat = Im really stupid!

17
Dec

The Darwin Awards-1996 Nominees

[San Jose Mercury News]

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson . 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.

His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldnt have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas]. Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.

]Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on his balcony of his condominium apartment in a Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector DArcy Honer of the Peel regional police. It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony, Honer said. Its one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected.

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest members of the 200-man association.

Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned.

Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

[Times of London] A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury, Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctors paging devices, the thief spotted a vertical sun bed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of 10 seconds. After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended maximum time, the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20 miles away, in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a doctors coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton police said: This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life.

More intelligence-challenged people

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didnt realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

Portsmouth, R. I. Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2.later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robbery of a Howard Johnsons motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 7: 50 am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldnt open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they werent available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

In case youve forgotten about the 1995 awardees, some of them are listed below:

* James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a farm-type truck. Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns wrapped in the drive shaft. [Kalamazoo Gazette, 4-1-95]

* Same thing up here in MI. Seems some poor fella thought it would be a good idea to move a downed wire from his car. Newspaper reports it took a FULL MINUTE of neighbors whacking away at him with a 2×4 to free their freshly fried former friend from the fatal flashing.

* Bowling Green, Ohio, student Robert Ricketts, 19, had his head bloodied when he was struck by a Conrail train. He told police he was trying to see how close to the moving train he could place his head without getting hit.

* In Wesley Chapel, Florida, Joseph Aaron, 20, was hit in the leg with pieces of the bullet he fired at the exhaust pipe of his car. When repairing the car, he needed to bore a hole in the pipe. When he couldnt find a drill, he tried to shoot a hole in it.

17
Dec

Zen Buddhist Buys a Hotdog

This Zen Buddhist Monk walks up to a hotdog stand and says to the vender, Give me one with everything.

So the vender makes him a hotdog with everything, hands it to the Buddhist Monk.

The Buddhist gives him a twenty dollar bill, the vender takes it, puts it in his cash register and shuts the door.

The Buddhist says, Wait, wheres my change?

The vender replies, Change must come from within.