Old and New Jokes

A woman in her mid-20s goes to her doctor, Dr. Lee, for advice. She says, I just dont understand doctor, Im a woman in my mid-20s and I dont have a boyfriend. No ones even interested. Dr. Lee says, Ok, I sink I know what your probrem is. Take all your crothes. After she removes her clothes, Dr. Lee says, Ok, now get down on hand and knee. She does that and Dr. Lee says, Ok, now crawr away from me…now crawr back. She complies and Dr. Lee says, I sink I know your probrem. You have Ed Zachary disease. The woman asks what Ed Zachary disease is and Dr. Lee replies, Your face look Ed Zachary rike your a$$.

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon. In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car default warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. Youd press the start button to shut off the engine.

Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women? A: Opposites attract.

Everybody who has a cat calls him Sweety or Kitten. I call mine Sex. Sex has
been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told
the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too.
Then I said, But this is a cat. He said he didnt care what she looked like.
Then I said, You dont understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He
said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the cat with me. I told the
clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He
said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, You dont understand,
Sex keeps me awake at night. The clerk said, Me too.

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the cat
ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I
told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have
sold my own tickets. But you dont understand, I said, I hoped to have Sex on
TV. He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the cat.
I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married. The judge said, Me too.
Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said Me too.

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop
came over to me and asked me, What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the
morning. I said, I am looking for Sex. My case comes up on Friday.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple… English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which arent sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers dont fing, grocers dont groce, and hammers dont ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isnt the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didnt preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

I recently attended a meeting of the International Singles Club here in Silicon Valley. I met a Chinese woman who was a dentist.

She had perfect teeth, which started me thinking: All dentists from all cultures apparently have perfect teeth.

So, I am looking for a gynecologist for my next girlfriend!

There are these two gay men, named Syrel and Sessil, driving happily along in their car. As they came to an intersection, they stopped for the red light.

All of a sudden a big semi-trailer comes crunching through the back of their car!

Syrel and Sessil were really pissed!

Syrel says to Sessil to get out of the car to tell off the truck driver.

So Sessil gets out of the car and approaches the truck driver, who apparently is one huge mother trucker (tattoos and all)!

You bloody idiot! Look at what youve done to our beloved car!, exclaims Sessil. Youre going to pay for this damage you know!

Suck my dick!, shouts the truck driver.

This prompted Sessil to go back to his car, to discuss the situation with Syrel.

I think he wants to settle out of court, Syrel.

The research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.

Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example, under Frequency of Intercourse you wrote Three times a week and your wife Three times a night.

Well, thats right, replied the husband, but thats only until we have paid off the mortgage on the house.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

You might be a redneck if…
You pick your teeth from a catalog.