Old and New Jokes

A man come into the ER yelling, My wifes going to have her baby in the cab! The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the ladys dress, and just finishes jerking off her underwear when he suddenly discovers that there are several cabs lined up, and its obvious that hes in the wrong one.

A nurse at the beginning of the shift places her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patients chest wall. Big breaths, instructed the nurse. Yes, they used to be, remorsed the patient.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news and I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he died from a massive internal fart.

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, Cover your right eye with your hand. He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left. Again, a flawless read. Now both, I requested. There was silence. He couldnt even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

A nurses aide was helping a patient into the bathroom when the patient exclaimed, Youre not coming in here with me. This is only a one-seater!

During a patients two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?, asked the doctor The patch, he replied, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and Ive run out of places to put it! The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldnt see …Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, How long since you have been bedridden? After a look of complete confusion she answered, Why, not for about twenty years …when my husband was still alive.

A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky asked, So hows your breakfast this morning? Its very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I cant get used to the taste, the patient replied. The nurse asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet plainly labeled KY Jelly.

Modem – What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall.

One night, after closing time a barman is sitting at his bar minding his own buisiness, when a spectral hound floats in through the door.

The barman, being an exceptionally cool kind of guy, asks yeah, what do you want?.

The phantom hound explains, in a haunting voice Ive lost my tail…… and cannot rest until a kindly barman stitches it back-on.

At this request the barman stands back astonished and says to the phantom dog….. Sorry, but we dont re-tail spirits at this time of night.

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting on his porch. He figures hell have a little fun…

Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
Indian: Dog no talk.
Cowboy: Hey dog, hows it going?
Dog: Doin alright.
Indian: shows extreme look of shock
Cowboy: Is this Indian your owner? pointing at Indian.
Dog: Yep
Cowboy: How does he treat you?
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.
Indian: shows look of disbelief

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
Indian: Horse no talk.
Cowboy: Hey horse, hows it going?
Horse: Cool.
Indian: extreme look of shock
Cowboy: Is this your owner? pointing at Indian.
Horse: Yep.
Cowboy: Hows he treat you?
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.
Indian: shows total look of amazement

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
Indian: Sheep Lie!

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out Sir, Good Evening, Sir!

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said Good evening soldier, nice night, isnt it?

Well it wasnt a nice night, but the Private wasnt going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied Sir, Yes Sir!.

The General continued, You know theres something about a stormy night that I find soothing, its really relaxing. Dont you agree?

The Private didnt agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded Sir, Yes Sir!

The General, pointing at the dog, This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said Sir, Yes Sir!

The General continued I got this dog for my wife.

The Private simply said Good trade Sir!

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated as its numerous e-mail participants (only you and
the Oracle know who you are). This collection is from the series of
regular Oracularities postings to rec.humor.
Stephen Kinzler, Chief Oracular Slave
kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu

#83

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Q: Why is a violist like a terrorist?

A: They both fuck up bowings! (Boeings – get it?).

Q: Did you hear about the Hillbilly Helicopter crash?

A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt.

His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.

Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.

To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They arent yours. Get a lawyer. And if you dont stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?

The bartender quickly replied, The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.