Old and New Jokes

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?

A: She kept throwing out all the Ws!

By doing just a little every day,
I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

What do you get when you cross a Polish guy and a Mexican?

A car thief who cant drive.

1. Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them? A. Just in case they get a hole in one.

2. Golfer: Well, I have never played this badly before! Caddy: I didnt realize you had played before, sir!

3. Golfer: My wife says if I dont stop playing golf shes going to leave me! Caddy: Im sure you will miss her terribly, sir!

4. Golfer: Well caddy, do you like my game? Caddy: Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf.

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, Father, I never wear panties under my habit.

The priest chuckles and says, Thats not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers, and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar.

How do you know when theres a railway strike in Ireland?

– Panic buying at the ticket office.

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, I have to tell you something about your baby. The woman sits up in bed and says, Whats wrong with my baby, Doctor? Whats wrong?? The doctor says, Well, now, nothings wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite. The woman says, A hermaphrodite…. whats that??? The doctor says, Well, it means your baby has the… er… features…of a male and a female. The woman turns pale. She says, Oh my god! You mean it has a penis AND a brain?

Q: How many violists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: I dont know; they cant reach that high.

* Silicon-enhanced chests and lips reveal that humans are not only "as innovative as they are cruel," but pretty vain as well.* Wahlbergs neglect in removing his shirt through the entire film reveals his kinship with the teen demographic: BACKNE SUFFERERS.* Fox Marketing Department determined that the ideal garment for a young apes human pet is a peach-colored dress.* All inflamed baboon buttocks in the film were edited out.* Most extras were actually disgruntled gorillas out of work since the movie "Congo." * Kris Kristoffersons surly acting style is a result of the neverending pain of "Millenium"s failure at the box office. * The imagery of the Ape armys red tents taken straight from biblical writings dealing with how women were separated from the tribe during their periods. (Charlton Hestons idea.)* Helena Bonham Carters clothing came under-budget through some seamstress creativity and Rue McClanahans wardrobe. Her wildly trendy haircut however, accounted for %15 of the films budget.* According to ape acting union, the "Ape" Lincoln Memorial had to be scrubbed down with monkey feces in order to get rid of foul human odor. Submitted by: David J. Bleecker
E-mail: DBLEEKER@nyc.rr.com

Heard from a friend who heard it in Arkansas.

This man and this woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man
sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman cant believe
what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes
the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She cant believe that
such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again.
He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had
enough. She turns to the man and says, Three times youve sneezed, and
three times youve removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off!
What the hell kind of degenerate are you?

The man replies, I am sorry to have disturbed you, maam. I have a very rare
condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm. The woman then says,
Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?

The man looks at her and says, Pepper.