Old and New Jokes

4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.

Orbens Packaging Discovery: For the first time in history, one bag of groceries produces two bags of trash.

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory? Patient: What pills?

A wife was having coffee with a girlfriend of hers when she confided to her, Our marriage has never been that great, but this year has been the absolute worst between my husband and I.

Harry often yells at me, criticizes me, puts me down, plus he never helps out with anything around the house, and I keep getting the feeling that hes screwing his secretary. I cant eat, I cant sleep…in fact, Ive already lost eight pounds this month alone!

Well, why dont you dump the bastard?!? her friend said.

To which the wife replied, Oh, I plan to do that, but first I want to get my weight down to 115 pounds.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hardy!
Hardy who?
Hardy ha ha!

Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 24 1/8, but thats down 3/8 from yesterday.

A blonde goes to a doctor because both of her ears are burnt. “Sit down and tell me how it happened,” says the doctor.

“Well,I was ironing my clothes when I received a call and instead of picking the phone I picked up the iron and burnt my ear.”
“But thats one ear – what about the other?”

“The guy called again!”

Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? They went to see Closed for the Winter.

Un chico está esperando en casa de su novia a que ella se arregle para ir al cine. Mientras espera, decide conversar con el papá de la novia:

Señor, en verdad que si usted hiciera una rifa y su hija fuera el premio, yo compraría todos los boletos.

¡Ajá, conque lo que usted quiere es sacársela! ¿Verdad?

Sin pensar, el chico responde:

¡No, señor, todo lo contrario!

Im hungry = Im hungry.

Im sleepy = Im sleepy.



Im tired = Im tired.



Ive gotta pee = Get out of the way.



Ive gotta GO = Get out of the way and stay away until it clears



Can I call you sometime? = Id eventually like to have sex with you



Do you want to go to a movie? = Id eventually like to have sex with you



Can I take you out to dinner? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.



Can I get your coat? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.



Let me get your door. = Id eventually like to have sex with you.



May I have this dance? = Id eventually like to have sex with you.



Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!



You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.



Whats wrong? = I dont see why are you making such a big deal out of this.



Whats wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?



Whats wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.



Im bored. = Do you want to have sex?



I love you. = Lets have sex now.



I love you too. = Okay, I said it…wed better have sex now!



Good morning. = That was great sex……lets have more!



See you later. = That was great sex……lets have more!



Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.



Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = $50 and it doesnt look that much different!



Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = For $50 they should have GIVEN you hair!



Lets talk.= I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then youd like to have sex with me.



Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.



Will you marry me? = I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks



While shopping:

Yes, that ones nice = Why do you ask when you arent going to listen anyway?



That one looks great on you = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!



I like that one better. = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!



Uh huh = Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!



I dont think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay.