Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ketchup!
Ketchup who?
Ketchup the tree again!

Yo mama has 10 fingers–all on the same hand.

I think that I shall never see a hazard rougher than an tree;

A tree oer which my ball must fly if on the green it is to lie;

A tree which stands that green to guard, and makes the shot extremely hard;

A tree whose leafy arms extend to kill the six iron shot I send;

A tree that stands in silence there, while angry golfers rave and swear.

Irons were made for fools like me who cannot ever miss a tree.

Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.

We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the Y-to-K date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:



Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December



and…:



Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak



I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?



Well await your direction.

Geologists do not dress for success unless they are trying to convince others that they are going on interviews.

You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. Youll learn a lot today.

Whats the dumbest part of a mans body?

His penis. It has a head without a brain, it swings with two nuts, and it lives right around the corner from an asshole.

"If we dont succeed, we run the risk of failure."
…George W. Bush"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
…Governor George W. Bush"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
…Governor George W. Bush"Mars is essentially in the same orbit…Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
…Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history. I mean in this centurys history. But we all lived in this century. I didnt live in this century."
…Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy — but that could change."
…Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and thatone word is to be prepared."
…Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
…Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
…Governor George W. Bush"The future will be better tomorrow."
…Governor George W. Bush"Were going to have the best educated American people in the world."
…Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
…Governor George W. Bush"I stand by all the misstatements that Ive made."
…Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
…Governor George W. Bush"Public speaking is very easy."
…Governor George W. Bush to reporters "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican"
…Governor George W. Bush"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
…Governor George W. Bush"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
…George W. Bush"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
…Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
…Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
…Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
…Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make."
…Governor George W. Bush"Were all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
…Governor George W. Bush"It isnt pollution thats harming the environment. Its the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
…Governor George W. Bush"[Its] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
…Governor George W. Bush

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, Oh, is this place what I think it is? Its so beautiful! Did I make it into heaven?

St. Peter replied, Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you may enter.

The woman was very excited, of course, and she asked St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. Spell a word, St. Peter replied.

What word? she asked.

Any word, St. Peter answered. Its your choice.

The woman promptly replied, Then the word I will spell is love. L, O, V, E, love.

St. Peter congratulated her on making it into Heaven and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he ran a quick errand. Id be honored, she said, but what should I do if someone comes while youre gone?

St. Peter reassured her and instructed the woman, Just have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates spell a word as you did.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peters chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates. Shes shocked to realize its her husband.

What happened? she cried. Why are you here?

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now Im here? Did I make it into Heaven with you?

Not yet, the woman replied, First you have to spell a word correctly.

Which word? he asked.

The woman replied, Czechoslovakia.

A man in a state of excessive inebriation rolled up at a fairground rifle range booth and threw down the necessary money. The booth operator at first refused to let him have a turn, considering that his inebriated state would endanger the public. But the drunk insisted and was given a gun.



He aimed unsteadily in the general direction of the target and after trying to focus, pulled the trigger three times. The booth owner, on inspecting the target, was astonished to see that he had scored three bullseyes. The star prize for the evening was a large set of glassware, but the showman was certain that the drunk wasnt aware of what he had done, and gave him instead a consolation prize, a turtle.



The drunk wandered off into the crowd. An hour or so later he came back, even more drunk than before. Once again the showman demurred, but once again the drunk insisted, and once more scored three bullseyes and was given another turtle.



Eventually the drunk rolled up again and insisted on a third attempt. Once more he picked up the rifle, waved it around in the general direction of the target, and pulled the trigger three times. Once more he had scored three bullseyes. But this time there was an onlooker with good eyesight.



Thats fantastic, the man said. Hasnt he scored three bulls?



The showman, cursing his luck, made a play of going over to the target and inspecting it closely. Yes Sir! , he announced to the crowd. This is fantastic! Congratulations, sir, you have won the star prize, this magnificent 68-piece set of glassware



I dont want any bloody glasses, the drunk replied. Give me another one of those delicious crusty meat pies.