He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he pops into the newsagent and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the newsagent I hope you dont mind me asking, but how old do you think I am? About 35 was the reply. Im actually 47 years old the man says, feeling really happy.
After that he goes into the Fish & Chip shop to celebrate. Before leaving, he asks the same question, to which the reply is Oh, you look about 29 This makes him feel really good.Whilst standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your trousers and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.
Being as there was nobody around the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his trousers.
Ten minutes later the old lady says You are 47 years old.Stunned the man says, That was brilliant. How did you do that? The old lady replies, I was behind you in the Chip shop
Your mamas so stupid she tripped over a line on a basketball court.
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.Well, the man says, I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now Im in the doghouse.What kind of question? the neighbor asks.My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly.Thats easy, says the neighbor. You just say, Of course I will.Yeah, says the other man, thats what I meant to say. But what came out was, Of course I do.
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. Aha!
mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. Aha! said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.Snip-snip-snip-snip on the rightside… then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.The doctor said, How does that feel now? The midget replied, Perfect Doc, and I didnt even feel it. What did you do?The doctor replied I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.
A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor.
Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts.
The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. This is a family paper. We dont use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropiate!
The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )
You might be a redneck if…
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
Youve ever been arrested for loitering.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors douvre.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
Youve ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You own a homemade fur coat.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has ammo on her Christmas list.
Support mental health or Ill kill you.
(This one leaked out of Microsoft the other day. I didnt save the
original)
Two male engineering students meet each other on campus. One says to
the other, Hi Bill, Where did you get that new bike? Bill replies,
Well, I was walking to class the other day when this pretty co-ed
rode up, jumped off her bike, took off all her clothes and said You
can have anything you want!
Good idea, Bills friend replied. Her clothes probably wouldnt
have fit you anyway.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hot Air!
Hot Air who?
Hot air pardner, how ya doin?
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.