Old and New Jokes

CHICAGO – The American Civil Liberties Union announced today that it was
bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights
of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge, stated that, Mr. Claus
has been violating childrens right to privacy and has been putting that
information in a vast database. The information is then used by the law
enforcement arm of Mr. Claus organization to determine which children are
considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Claus has violated the
childrens rights, as we have alleged in our suit, because of the memos and
other company information we have obtained. In addition, we believe Mr.
Claus has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the
free expression of beliefs.

Among the documents presented to the courts today was a memo which reads,
in part:

You better watch out.

You better not cry.

You better not pout.

Im telling you why:

Santa Claus is coming to town.

He sees you when you are sleeping

He knows when youre awake,

He knows when youve been bad or good,

So be good for goodness sake.

Mr. Scrooge claimed the document, was obtained from a worker in the
distribution department of Mr. Claus organization, clearly shows a
concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression
and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of
the information. What would be the result of such a database being made
available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?
Lawyers at the Justice also confirmed today that they were
investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast
conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside the Justice
Department stated that, We believe a large number of parents, ministers,
and teachers are involved in this business, and we expect several of them
will testify for the State in return for a lighter sentence. In
addition, the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the
Department and the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on the part of
Mr. Claus, our records do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else, paying
any import duties or taxes on any items he has delivered. Since Mr.
Claus has representatives in all of the States of the Union, we believe
he should have to pay state and local taxes on all of the goods he
delivers.
Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, The charges of the ACLU are absurd.
Mr. Claus is a well-known and highly-respected figure. His supporters
are from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no
way, be taken as a for of mind control or a violation of the civil
rights of children.
The lawsuit is complicated by the fact that Mr. Claus is not a
resident of the United States or any country with which the United States
currently has an extradition treaty. It is unknown where Mr. Claus is at
the moment, but it is believed he is hiding out at his North Pole estate.
In a brief statement, read by his lawyer, Mr. Claus said, I find the
charges of the ACLU absurd and am confident they will be rejected by the
courts. As for any criminal charges, I believe the Justice Department
will discover they have no basis.
Experts are uncertain what possible effect the suit or possible
pending charges might have on Mr. Claus Christmas travels this year.

The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU, where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr. Steinbergs physician comes into his room and says, Sol, Im happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad. Were going to send you home tomorrow. You dont have to worry about your heart; do any physical exercise that you like. Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife: Doris, youll never believe it: Im completely well. I have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like youve never had before, wild, passionate sex….youll love it! Doris thinks for a minute and says, I dont know, Sol. Ive heard about active sex and heart conditions. I dont want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe, just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK… maybe I would have such sex with you…. Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctors office; his doctor tells him, Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, Ill write the note. Lets see, heres my prescription pad: Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can have mad, passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz……. Now, Ill just address this……. By the way, Sol, whats your wifes first name? Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, To Whom It May Concern?

Q: What does a canniball do after he dumps his girlfriend?

A: He wipes his butt.

Pilarica, la novia de Manolo, platica con la novia de Venancio sobre relaciones sexuales:

Oye, maja, ¿tú haces el amor con condón?

¿Con don quién?

Manolo va por la calle con cara de preocupado, cuando se encuentra con un amigo.

Hola, ¿qué te pasa que estás tan serio?

¡Es que le he dejado a un tío 400.000 para que se hiciese la cirugía estética, y ahora no le reconozco!

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, Really? Even with all the fluctuations?

He said, Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours.

A young magician started to work on a cruise ship with his pet parrot. The parrot would always steal his act by saying things like, “he has a card up his sleeve” or “he has a dove in his pocket.” One day the ship sank and the magician and the parrot found themselves alone on a lifeboat. For a couple of days, they just sat there looking at each other. Finally, the parrot broke the silence and said, “Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”

Un tipo le dice a otro:

Ayer iba yo caminando con mi suegra y aparecieron 2 tipos, se le fueron encima y la golpeaban como animales.

¿Y tú que hiciste?

Pues me aparté, ¿qué más iba a hacer?

¿Y por qué no te metiste?

¡Ahhh no! ¡Sería un abuso pegarle entre los tres!

Llega un paciente al consultorio del Doctor de la localidad y le dice que quiere que le haga una revisión de rutina. Le dice el Doctor al paciente, Pase para allá atrás y desnúdese. El hombre se queda desconcertado y le contesta, Pero Doctor, sólo vengo a que me haga un chequeo ¿por qué tengo que desnudarme?

Y el Doctor un poco molesto le replica, Apúrese que tengo que dar más consulta.

Y vuelve a decir el paciente, Pero Doctor es sólo una revisión normal.

Total que el buen hombre se desnuda y le dice el doctor, Inclínese hacia adelante.

Y el paciente hacía lo que el médico le ordenaba y ya después de esto le dice otra vez el Doctor ¿Le duele la cabeza?

Y le contesta el pobre paciente, No Doctor no me duele.

Y el Doctor le dice, Pues ahí le va el resto…

What do you call an etheopian with an afro?

A microphone.

What do you call an etheopian with a big toe?

A golfclub.

What do you call an etheopian with a penny on its head?

A nail.

How many etheopians can you fit in a tub?

None. They all keep going down the drain.

What do you call an etheopian with three teeth missing?

A rake.