Q: What charges can you bring against a transvestite?

A: Male fraud.

Say no, then negotiate.

In a Rome laundry
Ladies leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency
Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

On a faucet in a Finnish washroom
To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier
Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong
Guarenteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan
Stop: Drive Sideaways.

In a Swiss mountain inn
Special today – no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar
Special coctails for the ladies with the nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian coctail lounge
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to
the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In A Tokyo shop
Our nylons cost more than common, but youll find they are the best in the
long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using hotel air conditioner
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo
When passenger of foot beave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him
melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him
with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance
English well talking.

Here speeching American.

In a Tokyo hotel
Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such
thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room
Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that
you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig hotel elevator
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter
more persons, each one should press number of wishing floor. Driving is then
going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and
11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel
The flattening on underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery
You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of
ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel
Salad a firms own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the
form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country
peoples fashion.

In a Honk Kong supermarket
For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Rhodes tailor shop
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in
strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets by 15.000 Soviet painters and
sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have
thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in Germanys Black Forest
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that poeple of
different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless
they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the
bedroom, it suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has
been played.

Q: Why does Ford still manufacture cars and trucks? A: Because they are trying to keep the towing industy alive.

Last year Mrs JimJr and I took separate vacations. I cleaned out the garage, while she straightened up the basement.

Mrs JimJr is something to take on vacation anyway. I swear!!! That woman is descended from Noah. She takes two of everything.

Last time we went down to Hilton Head in South Carolina, we got lucky and made real good time. The main highway was open while the detour was being repaired.

I once worked with a very attractive single girl who loved to go on vacation. Each year when Rene returned, shed give ya a beau-by-beau account of her two weeks.

Italy was fantastic. Rome took my breath away. Venice left me speechless. And then there was Florence… she got me for over $500 in Travelers Checks.

Mrs JimJr seems to feel one should get their moneys worth on vacation. Im not sure if Im supposed to frolic every minute or not. But once when I was sitting in a beach chair on the sand, she came out of the surf and said, This is costing us $300 a day — and you sit there reading a book !

As a vacation for the parents more than the kids, some people send their kids to camp. Imagine how frantic one Mother became when she received a post card with: Dear Mom, I told you if you made me go to camp something terrible would happen. Well, it did. Love, Bonnie.

Two chickens were talking and one chicken said to a the other chicken who is your favorite music composer?

The second chicken responds bach, bach, bach!

Female makes the rules.
Rules are subject to change by the female at any time without prior notification.
Male cant possibly know all the rules. Attempts to document the rules are not permitted.
If the female suspects that the male may know some or all of the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
Female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is because of an egregarious misunderstanding which was the direct result of something the male did, said, did not do, or did not say.
Rule 6 is invoked, the male must apologize immediately for having been the cause of the misunderstanding without any clues from the female as to what he did to have caused the misunderstanding. See rule 13.
Female may change her mind at any time for any reason or no reason at all.
Male is never permitted to change his mind or under circumstances without the express written consent of the female which is given only in cases where the female wanted him to change his mind but gave no indication of that wish. See rules 6, 7, 12, and 13.
Female has the right to be angry or upset for any reason, real or imagined, at any time and under any circumstance which in her sole judgement she deems appropriate. The male is not to be given any sign of the root cause of the females being angry or upset. The female may, however, give false or misleading reasons to see if the male is paying attention. See rule 13.
Male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
No circumstances may the female give the male any clue or indication whether or why she wants him to be angry or upset.
Male is expected to read the mind of the female at all times. Failure to do so will result in punishments and penalties imposed at the sole discretion of the female.
Female may, at any time and for any reason, resurrect any past incident without regard to temporal or spacial distance, and modify, enlarge, embellish, of wholly reconstruct it in order to demonstrate to the male that he is now or has in the past been wrong, insensitive, pig-headed, dense, deceitful, and/or oafish.
Female may use her interpretation of any past occurrence to illustrate the ways in which the male has failed to accord her the consideration, respect, devotion, or material possessions, he has bestowed on other females, domestic pets or barnyard animals, sports teams, automobiles, motorcycles, boats, aircraft, or coworkers. Such illustrations are non-rebuttable.
The female is experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, the female is permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviors she wishes without regard to logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior.
Act, deed, word, expression, statement, utterance, thought, opinion, or belief by the male is subject to the sole, subjective interpretation of the female, other external factors not-withstanding. Alibis, excuses, explanations, defenses, reasons, extenuations, or rationalizations will not be entertained. Abject pleas for mercy and forgiveness are acceptable under some circumstances, especially when accompanied by tangible evidence of contrition.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
The balding man then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying them all.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, Im sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who?
But why? asks the man.
Im a divorce lawyer.

As one who is an unabashed admirer of cats, telling this story
is somewhat painful. This is a true story which happened during the late
1970s. My wife has firsthand knowledge of the circumstances since, at the
time, she was a police officer in whose jurisdiction the incident occurred.

There is a small rural town, somewhat northeast to the city of
Niagara Falls, NY. One evening, a resident of the town called the local
volunteer fire department to request assistance in removing their cat
from a tree. Since this was a questionable call, the fire control
dispatcher called the fire chief at home to ask if he wanted to respond.
The chief said sure, call out the department, since it was early evening
and it shouldnt be a problem for the volunteers to respond.

The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had an
extension ladder. The tree, however, was too tall and willowy to support
the weight of the extension ladder. Rather than send men back to the fire
hall to bring the aerial ladder truck, one of the firefighters suggested
an alternate course of action. Two of the firefighters supported the
ladder while a third climbed high enough to tie a rope around the tree at
about half its height.

The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a pickup
truck, with the truck slowly driven forward, forcing the tree to bend over.
One firefighter was poised to grab the cat as soon as it was within his
reach.

The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free.

The cat was last seen airborne heading south toward the city of
Niagara Falls, and was never seen again.

This incident adds a rather new definition to the word catapult.

Needless to say, the particular fire department did not receive
praise from the local ASPCA when the story made its rounds. Please note
that this story is not meant to put down volunteer fire departments, who
perform a dedicated and essential community function.