The bride-to-be and her best friend were discussing the
formers impending wedding.
If you want an unforgettable wedding night, her friend
said, get him to eat a dozen oysters after the ceremony.
A week after, the new bride thanked her friend but said
plaintively, Only eight of the oysters worked.
[Contributed by Mike Kane.]
According to a local sports columnist (The Argus Deon Viljoen), Zambiantennis player Lighton Ndefwayl explained his defeat by Musumba Bwayla as follows:
He beat me because my jockstrap was too tight and because, when he serves, he farts, and that made me loose my concentration, for which I am famous throughout Zambia.
Not for those who take their religion TOO seriously…
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Harold!
Harold who?
Harold are you!
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
A blonde had two horses, but she couldnt tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses.
This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses ear.
This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses.
And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse!
Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning
to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new (drop dead
gorgeous) neighbor slinked out of her apartment towards him and as she leaned
over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly beleive it, she
wasnt wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and
said good morning. This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to
Bob that she hadnt had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact when
she said she heard someone coming and that they should go back to her
apartment. They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. What do
you think my best feature is? Bob stuttered and drueled a bit and finally
said Your ears.
What do you mean my ears, look at me. I have round perfect breasts, a nice
tight ass and legs to die for what on earth made you say EARS!!!
Well, said Bob In the hall you said you heard someone coming, that was
me!!!
Quaylisms
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
was that I didnt study Latin harder in school so I could converse
with those people.
— J. Danforth Quayle
If we dont succeed, we run the risk of failure. — J. Danforth
Quayle
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child.
— Vice President Dan Quayle
Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. —
Vice President Dan Quayle
Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89
What a waste it is to lose ones mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is.
— Vice President Dan Quayle
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history. I mean
in this centurys history. But we all lived in this century. I
didnt live in this century.
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy – but that could change.
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president,
and that one word is to be prepared.
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89
May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.
— The Quayles 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy,
though.]
Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things. — Vice President
Dan Quayle, 11/30/88
We dont want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward. — Vice
President Dan Quayle
I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements
in the Future.
— Vice President Dan Quayle
The future will be better tomorrow. — Vice President Dan Quayle
Were going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88
People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions
and have a tremendous impact on history.
— Vice President Dan Quayle
I stand by all the misstatements that Ive made.
— Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89
We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe. — Vice
President Dan Quayle
Public speaking is very easy.
— Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88
I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican. — Vice President
Dan Quayle
I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix. — Vice
President Dan Quayle
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls.
— Vice President Dan Quayle
When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots
and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is
to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for
the killings? The killers are to blame.
— Vice President Dan Quayle
Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having
it.
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)
Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she still
has a job next year.
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92
We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. —
Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90
For NASA, space is still a high priority. — Vice President Dan
Quayle, 9/5/90
Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children.
— Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90
The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan
Quayle may or may not make.
— Vice President Dan Quayle
Were all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on
the mistakes we may or may not have made.
— Vice President Dan Quayle
It isnt pollution thats harming the environment. Its the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
— Vice President Dan Quayle
[Its] time for the human race to enter the solar system. — Vice
President Dan Quayle
If you dont like my driving, dont call anyone. Just take another road.
Thats why the highway department made so many of them.
:
Mathmatician — 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, the rest follows by induction.
Statistician — 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is expermental error so throw it out, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, the rest follows by induction.
Computer Scientist — 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, ….