A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesnt want.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
WOMENS COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK
What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
If they can put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all there.
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
President Clinton was seen walking around the White House one day recently. Laying across one shoulder was a pair of ladies nylon panties.
Nervously one White House Aide approach the President and asked about the panties.
Oh those, Replied the President, Im trying to quit. Thats the patch.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
All generalizations are false.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats…they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Seen on an old, beat-up car: This is not an abandoned vehicle.
Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death
Cover me. Im changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks youre an idiot.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
REHAB is for quitters
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
All men are Idiots, and I married their King!
E. coli Happens
Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….
Towers will be violated
Work is for people who dont know how to fish
Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !!
End rape. Say Yes!
I KNOW JACK SHIT!
Montana — At least our cows are sane!
I didnt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Dont blame me, Im from Uranus.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Your kid may be an honor student but youre still an IDIOT!
Its as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
If you dont like the news, go out and make some.
I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Sorry, I dont date outside my species.
Nobodys ugly after 2 a.m.!
Smile, its the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Friends dont let Friends drive Naked.
Wink, Ill do the rest!
I may be fat, but youre ugly – I can lose weight!
No Radio – Already Stolen
Reality is a crutch for people who cant handle drugs.
Real women dont have hot flashes, they have power surges.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When theres a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we arent supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Few women admit their age, Few men act it!
Im as confused as a baby in a topless bar!
I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Assassins do it from behind!
Learn from your parents mistakes – use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
Tell me to Stuff It – Im a taxidermist.
IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Which came first? The woman or the department store?
LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice.
Its lonely at the top, but you eat better.
LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
According to my calculations the problem doesnt exist.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality? Thats where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
How Can I Miss You if You Wont Go Away?
Im not as think as you drunk I am
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering
Seen on a womans car: Men call us birds, we pick up worms
Dont come knocking if the car is rocking
Save Water – Take a bath with your neighbors daughter
Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest
Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edekasion
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.
Be nice to your kids. Theyll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who cant.
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying Nice doggie!.. till you can find a rock.
2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
I like you, but I wouldnt want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.
I is a college student.
Sex on television cant hurt you unless you fall off.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Eschew obfuscation.
God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!
Im out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?
CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason.
Were staying together for the sake of the cats.
Its been lovely, but I have to scream now.
My karma ran over your dogma.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
I dont lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.
Welcome to Texas, now go home.
Its as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
If you dont like the news, go out and make some of your own.
Lifes too short to dance with ugly men.
Lifes too short to dance with ugly women.
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, shes going to leave me.
Gosh, Im going to miss her.
When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
Beer isnt just for breakfast any more.
Sorry, I dont date outside my species.
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-laws face on the back of a milk carton.
Its lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Dont steal. The government hates competition.
Is there life before coffee?
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
Nobodys ugly after 2 a.m
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
I Cayman went.
My other wife is beautiful.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Smile. Its the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Dont laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Nuke the unborn baby whales.
Geez if you belive in honkus.
Friends dont let friends drive naked.
Save California; when you leave take someone with you.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
Theres one in every crowd and they always find me.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
When youre in love, youre at the mercy of a stranger.
Just when you think youve won the rat race along come faster rats.
If its too loud, youre too old.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Who cares whos on board?
Die Yuppie Scum.
Crime wouldnt pay if the government ran it.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
Women make great leaders. Youre following one now.
Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.
Exxon Suxx.
Honk if you love cheeses.
Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesnt exist.
I dont care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store check-out line.
The first little baby says, Ugh, look at this – my mom just bought strained plums!
The second baby says, You think thats bad – my mom just bought strained peas!
And the third baby says… You think you guys got it bad?
How would you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
How do you know this, Sister?
My Mother Superior told me so.
But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?
Dont be ridiculous–of course I have never taken alcohol myself
Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life
How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!
Ill get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman and could you put the vodka in a teacup?
Oh no! Its not that Nun again is it?
The position of the dirt bag.
A young man walks up and sits at the bar. What can I get you? the bartender inquires.
I want 6 shots of Jagermeister, responded the young man.
6 shots! Are you celebrating something?
Yeah, my first blow job.
Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.
No offense, sir. But if 6 shots wont get rid of the taste, nothing will.