* You ski uphill. * You get a speeding ticket even when youre parked. * You have a bumper sticker that says: Coffee drinkers are good in the sack. * You answer the door before people knock. * You havent blinked since the last lunar eclipse. * You just completed another sweater and you dont know how to knit. * You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. * You sleep with your eyes open. * You have to watch videos in fast-forward. * The only time youre standing still is during an earthquake. * You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer. * You lick your coffeepot clean. * You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House. * Youre the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you dont even work there. * Youve worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week. * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze. * You chew on other peoples fingernails. * The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse. * Youre so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas. * You can type sixty words per minute with your feet. * You can jump-start your car without cables. * All your kids are named Joe. * You dont need a hammer to pound in nails. * Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low. * You dont sweat, you percolate. * You buy milk by the barrel. * Youve worn out the handle on your favorite mug. * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales: THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW.
Seen at the side of a Sussex road: SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Because if they migrated north theyd get too cold.
Un dÃa Adán estaba en el paraÃso cuando le dice a su compañera, ¡Eva! Se me ocurre una idea, vamos poniéndole nombres a los animales.
Eva le contesta, ¡Está bien adan! ¡Vamos!
Salieron caminando cuando de pronto ven a un animal cuadrúpedo, con melena y pelo corto. Eva dice: ¡Mira! ¡A ese hay que ponerle león!
Adán contesta: León te llamarás.
Siguieron caminando cuando ven otro animal cuadrúpedo con el cuello largo y manchas en la piel. Eva dice: ¡Mira! ¡A ese hay que ponerle… jirafa!
Adan responde: Jirafa te llamarás.
Y asà siguieron poniéndole nombres a los animales, cuando de pronto ven a lo lejos un burro comiendo zacate. Y el burro se echa un pedo ¡prprprprprrrr!
Eva dice sorprendida: ¡Aaaahhh! ¡miraaa! A ese hay que ponerle El Pedorro.
Y Adán le reponde: ¡Hheee! ¡¡Pónselo tu!!
The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.
An [ethnic] gentleman walks into a bar with a frog on his head.
The bartender says Hey, whered you get that?
The frog says Well, it started out as a wart on my ass…
You have to take the bad with the worst.
Banta Singh saw that his friend santa Singh was very
depressed.
What happened ? asked banta.
Yaar, I lost Rs. 800 in a bet yesterday . How come ?
Well, yesterday, the one-day match between India and England
was being shown live on TV.I bet Rs.500 that India would win,
but I lost the bet.
But thats only Rs. 500, where did the rest go ? Yaar, I
bet on the highlights too
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In deaths agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered enough strength to get out bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom.
With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for deaths agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his favorite sugar cookies.
Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly made its way towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
Stay out of those, she said, Theyre for the funeral!